Thursday, March 17, 2005

~a whole new world~

You could say I was thrown into the lion’s den - labour day, 2002 – as I stepped foot on Redeemer’s campus for the first time and began the mind-boggling journey that has taken me to this moment. My background consisted of Mennonite Brethren roots, Baptist private school until Grade 4, an Alliance church family for 5 years and then a Brethren in Christ church family for 8 years - combined also with a Pentecostal-like influence during the several summers at camp. As well as long-term interactions with Baptist and United Brethren in Christ youth groups.

This varied mix of traditions that I experienced during high-school, combined with the fact that I was in a predominantly non-Christian environment, forced me to really make my faith my own. To delve deep into what and why I believed and lived as I did. An intense hunger to know God intimately consumed my young, naïve, childlike heart - causing me to grasp at any and every opportunity that presented itself as one that would draw me closer to God. Camps, revival meetings, retreats – these were my oases in the dry desert times of my rollercoaster relationship with God. My constant prayer became “Lord, fill my heart with an undying passion for You.” Being emotionally inclined at my very core, I dove towards experiences of God – equating being passionate for God with people who sang and shouted and lifted hands and sobbed and laughed and spoke in tongues at intense worship services.

At the same time, however - being intellectually/analytically inclined at my core as well – I read books, took notes on sermons, studied my Bible religiously, asked my youth leaders questions they couldn’t answer and struggled to determine what it truly meant to be passionate for God. Step by step God continued to reveal things to me – which I recorded in my prayer journals and tried to apply to my life. I became motivated to share my building passion with others – and get them excited about getting to know God better and better. I began leading different activites, bible studies and worship times through my church – focussing on encouraging teens from different youth groups and schools in the area to seek to know God intimately. With a Christian group of friends to build relationships with, I began to withdraw from my ‘secular scene’ and non-Christian friends and threw myself headlong into any church-related event. I immersed myself in Christian music only, Christian books only and Christian friends only. I also began to volunteer at my church summer camp for entire summers – saturating myself in an environment that gave me opportunities to experience God’s manifest presence.

Then I came to Redeemer. Right on the tail end of an incredible summer of hearing and obeying God’s voice and experiencing the results of that obedience in sensing God’s love and intimacy like never before. Full of passion and excited at the opportunity to be in a Christian atmosphere 24/7, I marveled at the way professors integrated a Christian perspective into the classes – from devotions to prayers to even applying Christianity to what we were learning! I looked forward to dorm devotions, chapel and church-in-the-box. I excitedly took my roommate aside on the first day and shared with her how I had been praying for God to bless our relationship and also discussed the possibilities with another dormmate of reading through a book of the Bible together and helping each other apply it to our lives.

Then I began to notice something strange. Something I had not expected. My roommate acted almost indifferent when I told her of my passionate prayers for our relationship before I even knew her. My dormmate seemed disinterested in intensely studying Galatians after the first chapter. Dorm devotions seemed devoid of others sharing how God was actively speaking into and working through their lives. Instead, most times, we just read a Bible passage and prayed rather formally to a seemingly impersonal God. Chapels and church-in-the-boxes were great though. I thoroughly enjoyed this opportunity to lift my hands and voice to my Best Friend, the Creator of the Universe – until, of course, I started getting questioned about why I raised my hands which led to discussions about whether you should even raise your hands in praise to our God when it distracted others who were trying to worship.

Then came the doctrines. Predestination? Infant baptism? Speaking in tongues only happened in the New Testament? Then the rules. Shopping? Eating out? Op Zondag? Then the allowances! Drinking is okay? Smoking is okay? Swearing is okay? I quickly became disillusioned with Redeemer and the fact that they called themselves a Christian University. I was appalled at the lack of passionate, hungry, searching personal relationships with Jesus Christ in the majority of lives I came into contact with. I made it my mission to pray for and impact as many people as I could by sharing what God was doing in my own life. At the same time I got involved in heated debates about doctrinal issues that I did not know much about since I had never had the advantage of catechism or biblical doctrine class. However, I still held staunchly to my own interpretation of God’s word as I continued to read, study and believe it. I became convinced that those associated with the reformed tradition were merely head Christians – people who talked and analyzed yet had never truly experienced God’s intimate, personal presence in their lives.

As the months flew by, I eventually formed close friendships with those who came from a reformed perspective and started attending their churches. And there I found that God actually blessed and worked in Christian Reformed churches! I met and grew close to people who were passionate about their faith and reformed at the same time! My negative impressions, which had been cemented in my heart by those who loftily claimed they knew 100% of the truth while telling me I was obviously and thoroughly in the wrong, slowly began to fade as I entered my second and third years. Concepts penetrated my thinking, reshaping my ‘worldview’ – a new term I noticed was used a LOT. I learned about dualisms and the need for the Lordship of Christ in every area of our lives – that our Christianity must shape every aspect. I learned about the concept of a dichotomy – another new word – and about discerning what the creational good is in every part of God’s creation (even alcohol!). I learned about the importance of community. I learned about the holistic view of salvation. I learned about the covenant – and found reasons why I did not need to feel guilty about not having a specific conversion date to point to in my life. I learned and learned and learned – some things that I already knew in different, less eloquent terms, but much that I had never been exposed to before.

Then came the emphasis on grace. The last non-reformed stronghold in my heart was my abhorrance of the doctrine of predestination. How horrible. How ridiculous. How unloving. But the argument of man’s complete lack of any smidgen of good in him stood strong. I listened, I questioned, I argued, I thought, I researched, I studied, I prayed. Then one day it too clicked and I recognized my complete inability to ever be able to choose God on my own, in my complete sinfulness. I recognized the Holy Spirit’s power in my life – His leading, empowerment and transformation. And I became overcome with the conviction that we as Christians have such an utter responsibility to pray for the Holy Spirit to work in the lives of those who have not experienced Christ’s saving power! This new approach, instead of merely seeing it as being privileged and elect, was the last step needed to open my mind and heart to a whole new world.

What had begun as a clash moved to tolerance, which gave way to acceptance. Interested and intrigued, I, in typical Jenn fashion (as evident in the events depicted throughout this ridiculously long post), threw myself into questioning, listening, discussing and analyzing. I recently began regularly attending a Christian Reformed church and going to Kuyper’s Café neocalvinist meetings. Needless to say, this acceptance is not so subtlely speeding me towards embracing the reformed tradition and I find my pride shattered and myself sheepishly taking back the half-joking slurs to the reformed tradition that I have shamelessly proclaimed.

This major shift in my thinking, my perspective, my ‘worldview’ is affecting the entirety of my existence and I find myself in a place that my first year self would not have recognized - would have down-right disapproved of! Now, in frustration and confusion I ask myself: have I lost my passion? Or just refined it? I struggle daily to find the balance between a holistic approach and my once-vital-now-waning intimate connection with my Best Friend. The balance between predestination and the power of prayer. The balance between experience and intellect. Oh balance – I have yet to settle in comfortably and in a way I hope I never do. Feeling this tension, this struggle, this wrestling match that is like no other, shows me that I am not apathetic or passionless. Rather, it points to a searching heart – hungering for truth. My journey is not nearly finished yet. Amid discouragement and many unanswered questions I am brought to the realization that God, beyond a shadow of a doubt, has specifically brought me to this place by His grace, His love and His will. He is obviously working. He knows best. In this balancing act between experience and intellect comes the command to trust. To trust and not lean on my own understanding of my experiences or of my intellect. To trust Him – Who has brought me thus far – to lead me on.





Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Here I Am

here I am
weak, selfish, naïve. unjust. unrighteous.
here I am
striving to bring you sacrifices and worship that is pleasing
failing utterly as I live in the idolatry of this culture
neglecting those who are in need
hungry, thirsty, in prison, naked, sick, alone
even as I try to make a difference in some small way
still my motives are tainted
still I hope my ‘good deeds’ are seen by others
still I focus on myself
here I am
utterly broken
utterly shameful
utterly useless
you would not be pleased with sacrifices or I would bring them
if I brought you many offerings you would not accept them
the sacrifice you want is a broken spirit
a broken and repentant heart you promise not to despise
so here I am
what do I do now?
you demand compassion
love for you, love for others
every day, every moment you throw opportunities in my path
here I am
teach me to recognize
teach me to do more than recognize
teach me to reach out
to actively seek out ways to serve you, to love you
to bring glory and honour to your holy name
but here I am
desiring a spirit of willingness
but my body is so weak
I cannot
my own effort?
my own ability?
my own understanding?
I cannot
yet here I am
you have placed me here, here on this stage, here at redeemer
you knit me together and you uphold me every moment
every hair, every blood cell
who I am and who I long to be
dreams & desires, hopes & plans
here I am
here is my broken and repentant heart
here is my life
here, take it, use it
transform me day by day - by your grace, your glory
so that I become a contagious example in word, in deed, in life
I, by your grace, a living sacrifice
here I am
in this moment I commit to make the most of every opportunity
to give my utmost for your highest
the 30 hour famine?
one more activity
one more opportunity in a long, varied line-up of ‘good causes’
show me how you can use me in this activity
in prayer
for the places in which world vision works
for you to reveal yourself
through the money given and work done in your name
in fasting
demonstrating my resolve to make a difference
laying aside my everyday routine for 30 hours
as a symbol, as a sacrifice
in asking
moving people I know to search their hearts
stirring them to ask how they can live as you have intended
providing them with a way to express their love for you
your people, your creation
here I am
I cannot fathom the rippling effects you have designed
to come from each small decision
You say: unless I am faithful in small matters
I won’t be faithful in large ones
I need your grace to be faithful
I offer all I am to your plan, your purpose, your will
here I am