an old blog

Wedding Pics :)

2007-08-15T10:09:00.000-04:00

So for those of you who aren't into Facebook & don't know about our wedding website, I've posted some wedding photos here as well! Our photographer was Claudette Helmkay and she was amazing! I highly recommend her to anyone who is getting married or wants photos taken for family or some other event! Email her @ claudettehelmkayphotography@sympatico.ca or phone (905) 935-6462. She works out of St Catharines, has the most reasonable (understatement!) prices I've ever seen (and *I* do my research), and is truly talented and passionat eabout her work!

Our Wedding Text

2007-07-02T23:52:00.000-04:00

Colossians 3:12-17

Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves,
you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy,
kindness, humility,
gentleness, and patience.

Make allowance for each other’s faults,
and forgive anyone who offends you.
Remember,
the Lord forgave you,
so you must forgive others.

Above all,
clothe yourselves with love,
which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts.
For as members of one body you are called to live in peace.
And always be thankful.

Let the message about Christ,
in all its richness,
fill your lives.

Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom He gives.
Sing psalms, hymns & spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts.

And whatever you do or say,
do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

website change

2007-04-02T09:21:00.000-04:00

ok - so first i should apologize - i don't blog and probably won't. don't get your hopes up anyway.

secondly - this is a lame post but i have to do it:

we have changed our wedding website...

the new page is:

jennandryan.weddingannouncer.com

that's all.

Engaged!

2007-01-23T23:53:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, January 16th, 2007 @ approximately 9:30pm, Ryan Zantingh asked me to marry him. I said, "YES!"

To find out more, check out our website:

www.ewedding.com/sites/jennandryan2007

YEARN

2007-01-12T14:56:00.000-05:00

Holy design
this place in time
that I might seek and find my God
my God

Lord, I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
over You
and only You
Lord, I want to yearn

Your joy is mine
yet why am I fine
with all my singing and bringing grain
in light of Him

oh You give life and breath
in You we live and move
that's why I sing
(Shane & Shane, Yearn)

Acts 17:25-28
Human hands can’t serve His needs - for He has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything, and He satisfies every need. From one man He created all the nations throughout the whole earth. He decided beforehand when they should rise and fall, and He determined their boundaries. “His purpose was for the nations to seek after God and perhaps feel their way toward Him and find Him - though He is not far from any one of us. For in Him we live and move and exist. As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are His offspring.’

Hebrews 12:28-29
Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping Him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire.

Acres of Hope

2007-01-03T16:01:00.000-05:00

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand

She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing, she will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away to valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead

You have called me Master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing, she will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away to valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So in the valley’s up ahead
Or in the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together
Oh Lord, we'll sing

We will sing, we will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away to valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.

Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.

There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.' (Hosea 2:14-16)

ACRES OF HOPE
by Shane Barnard and Robbie Seay

Maria & Matthew Oliveira

2006-12-19T10:14:00.000-05:00

tagged by LStew

2006-12-15T09:08:00.000-05:00

In a presumed attempt to jumpstart my promised "blogging", LStew has tagged me. I am not sure how far back we are supposed to go, since this tag didn't come with any specific instructions. So I will go back to last night, since that is probably still actually IN my belly.

Tropical Chicken Pizza from Boston Pizza - about 5 slices.
This was tasty. I shared it with Maria, who, incidentally, is the reason we were @ BP's in the first place. It was her bachelorette and she is getting married this weekend. Pictures to follow, of course!

Chocolate Martini from Boston Pizza
I was going to get a Mudslide when the waitress (who definitely wasn't 19) said I shouldn't get that, but I should try their AMAZING chocolate martinis. She failed to hear me when I said "I've had those before" and kept asking me all night how it was. It was OK.

President's Choice Berry Blend from my fridge
@ 4:36am this morning I woke up and craved it. It is the best juice I have ever tasted. It is better than sweet red wine. And I am not exaggerating.

President's Choice The Decadent Chocolate CHUNK Cookie from my cupboard
- and yes, I ate just ONE cookie.

I tag...meh - the tag stops here :)

hope

2006-12-11T10:23:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone - or anyone - who still actually checks this blog that there is still hope. I am planning on getting back to how I used to post pretty soon and have some ideas brewing in my mind. Don't give up on me yet! A new design means a new post is definitely in the works :)

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

2006-11-01T20:18:00.000-05:00

Get 'er hitched!

That's right. Maria Prins is getting married to Matthew Oliveira on December 16th, 2006.
Check out their wedding website @ www.matthewandmaria.webhop.net
It's super cool. AND if you feel so inclined you should come out to their going-to-be-stellar....

Stag & Doe!

Friday, November 10th, 2006 @ 8pm-1am

Cost: $10

Beamsville Royal Canadian Legion

5545 RR#81 Beamsville, On

captivate us

2006-09-22T01:11:00.000-04:00

i know posting lyrics isn't the most interesting. But download this tune - it's by watermark/charlie hall. Incredible:

Your face is beautiful
and Your eyes are like the stars
Your gentle hands have healing
there inside the scars
Your loving arms they draw me near
and Your smile it brings me peace
draw me closer O my Lord
draw me closer Lord to Thee

captivate us, Lord Jesus
set our eyes on You
devastate us
with Your presence
falling down

and rushing river
draw us nearer
Holy Fountain consume us with You

captivate us
Lord Jesus
with You

Your voice is powerful
and Your words are radiant bright
in Your breath and shadow
I will come close and abide
You whisper love and life divine
and Your fellowship is free
draw me closer O my Lord
draw me closer Lord to Thee

let everything be lost in the shadows
of the light of Your face
let every chain be broken from me
as I’m bound in Your grace
for Your yoke is easy
Your burden is light
You’re full of wisdom, power and might
and every eye
will see You

captivate us
Lord Jesus
with You

the FLOWER

2006-09-01T00:57:00.000-04:00

maria doesn't like the FLOWER

therefore, despite all the work and time and thought I have put into designing this bright and cheerful, upbeat and pleasant blog, i will consider changing it:

IF...

and only if the FLOWER annoys anyone else because "it doesn't ever move"

lemme know and i will pass the info on to the lovely maria

PS - that last link was a bonus advertisement for maria & her job. If you like the Amazing Race and enjoy supporting a good cause, register!

Jenn needs...

2006-08-04T00:14:00.000-04:00

I was blogstalking (a new skill I have been perfecting as of late) and found a hilarious (I thought so anyways) thing to do for a post. Google "[your name] needs" and write appropriate responses! Here we go:

Jenn needs to switch to decaf
Jenn needs a hot rod ... and a good insurance policy
Jenn needs a drink bad!
Jenn needs to grow up and deal
Jenn needs attention
Jenn needs to post office hours
Jenn needs someone to love her as much as she loves them
Jenn needs to get past her handcuff thing
Jenn needs to get her groove back
Jenn needs to do some snooping since she obviously knows something is up
Jenn needs to work
Jenn needs lovin'
Jenn needs to have a session or two with my therapist
Jenn needs a healthy dose of sweet, magical caffeine
Jenn needs a mentor
Jenn needs to stay on top b/c when her popularity goes so will her "demand"
Jenn needs to do less posting around here
Jenn needs sleep
Jenn needs to be alone for a while so she can grow up some
Jenn needs a new pair of shoes
Jenn needs an attitude adjustment
Jenn needs friends!
Jenn needs to DIE from stupidity
Jenn needs to know about each placement that is made so that the record can be accurate
Jenn needs money for a trial

Wedding #4

2006-08-01T10:22:00.000-04:00

Kari Hoekstra & David DeGraaf
July 22, 2006

Ryan, on weddings:

How he really feels about the millions of weddings we have to go to:

Consistency

2006-07-31T16:37:00.000-04:00

Question: I've recently changed the appearance of my blog, however although it lays out quite nicely on my computer, I don't know if the spacing goes 'funny' on anyone else's screen. Let me know if it is all out of whack.

~Thanks

~The Oasis~

2006-07-21T09:50:00.001-04:00

Recently I moved into and decorated my brand new office at Redeemer University College! Instead of describing its calming ambiance and ingenious decor, I have provided a few choice pictures for your perusal. I have officially (with the help of Annie Ling) named my office "The Oasis" as it provides a space of warmth and light as opposed to other offices which have tendancies of a "ghetto" nature, including sketchy wallpaper remains and flourescent lighting. *ahem* Thus said, your window into The Oasis awaits you below...

Wedding #3

2006-07-19T11:37:00.001-04:00

Amyann Faul & Shawn Groen
July 15, 2006

Wedding #2

2006-07-19T11:37:00.000-04:00

Karmyn Giesbrecht & Benjamin Bokma
June 10, 2006

Wedding #1

2006-07-19T09:31:00.000-04:00

Karissa Koopmans & Albert Postma

June 3, 2006

for christy & other blogstalkers

2006-06-23T09:09:00.000-04:00

This is a special post, with lots of fun & interactive features. If you cannot figure out what word each picture represents, simply "hover" your mouse over the picture and the word will appear. Otherwise, click on the picture for further information!

Summer is my favourite season and lately the weather has been incredibly. Walking outside requires no sweater or jacket or shivering - and it lately has not caused any aggravation or sweat or suffocation either! I recently went shopping at and thoroughly enjoyed spending my hard earned garduation present money at places like & with my good friend Karmyn, who recently got hitched and is now touring Belgium, France & Holland for 2 weeks. I also spend my time with another good friend Brittany, such as last night when we went to and unintentionally crashed a "guys-only" get together of friends of ours. So, we headed over to Chapters where I spent my $25 on & - some interesting summer reading, if I have time! Other than that, my lovely sister Victoria is taking me to this Saturday!

One Entire Year

2006-06-04T07:40:00.000-04:00

Graduation

2006-05-27T07:22:00.000-04:00

Grace

2006-05-25T09:28:00.000-04:00

please don't go
I cannot breathe you in
your
air is too thick for me & it
makes my lungs sting

please don't go
I cannot walk beside
think I'll stay behind a mile
'cause I don't need you cramping my style

& do you still have grace
& mercy, mercy
to keep on kissing my face
even though I am wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong

please don't go
without you I am weak
I find myself drinking & sinking & seeking

please don't go
sometimes it gets so cold that I'd rather
grab for a blanket instead of just
walking into your
comfort zone

do you still have grace
& mercy, sweet mercy
to keep on kissing my face
even though I am wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong

I know I've robbed you
I know I've hurt you so
many times
I hope I haven't
scarred you

you still have grace
& you still have this mercy
to keep on kissing my face
even though I am wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong

you still have grace
& mercy, mercy
to keep kissing my face
even though I am wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong

if you keep kissing my face
someday I'll no longer
do you
wrong

Employment

2006-05-12T08:53:00.000-04:00

Well, for those of you I haven't seen or talked to recently, I should let you all know that I actually was offered BOTH jobs that I had interviews for and am currently working at CRWRC 3 days a week and at Redeemer 2 days a week. Then, as of July 1, I will no longer be at CRWRC and will be full-time in Redeemer's Admissions Office! God is good!

J.K.A.K.

2006-04-24T15:54:00.000-04:00

As you know, this site is www.jkak.blogspot.com, resulting in many people asking me what "J.K.A.K." stands for. So, after some careful thought and dedicated research, I am able to provide you with a few options of what this name might mean - please vote for your favourite.

The Future

2006-04-19T20:21:00.000-04:00

I have two interviews coming up, since I am graduating and all and must enter the world of work now. It's a bit scary, so I would appreciate prayers for me to be able to discern where God wants me and also to just trust God and not get so incredibly worried!

Interview with CRWRC
Clerical Assistant Position
Friday, April 21st @ 1:00 pm
Part-time - $16/hr, 3 full days a week

Interview with Redeemer University College
Admissions Counsellor Position
Thuesday, April 25th @ 1:30 pm
1. Full-time - approx $30 000/yr, benefits
2. 8-month Contract

PS - if anyone knows of someone who would like to learn piano - I am considering teaching piano lessons again - I had 5 years of experience during highschool teaching a wide range of levels and ages and I have my Grade 9 Royal Conservatory Certification.

scattered prayers sown to the night

2006-03-20T02:00:00.000-05:00

the Lord is gracious and compassionate
slow to anger and rich in love

I will never leave you nor forsake you

our guide and protector gives us grace and glory,
knows my going out and lying down
may the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart...
when the tears fall still i will sing

spread wide in the arms of Christ is the Love that covers sin

speak to me Lord for Your child is here
listening...

I Love you this much:
Rest assured my child, I AM working in your life, I have a plan, I love you,
I will not leave my promises unfulfilled.
My blood covers you no matter what you do or what your heart feels
or whatever failure of character you fear:
You are still righteous in My eyes, through Christ.
I have unlimited resources
I don't work according to your rules - I make the rules.
Trust & obey.
Love Me & obey.

I will not forget You: You are my God, my King.
You have broken me, now give me back my joy again so I may rejoice.
Your joy is my strength.
Wash over me - Your love is deep, high, long & wide.

Arise, come, my darling, my beautiful one, come with Me.
(Song of Songs 2:13)

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me"
and my heart responds, "Lord, I'm coming." (Psalms 27:8)

all i can say

2006-03-20T01:26:00.000-05:00

Lord I'm tired, so tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark is creeping in, creeping up to swallow me
I think I'll stop and rest here a while

And didn't You see me crying?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember where You sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that was You washing my feet

~David Crowder

You're everything

2006-03-20T01:25:00.000-05:00

You're everything I could want, that I could need
If I could see You want me, could I believe?
'Cause You're perfectly all I want, all I need
If I could just feel Your touch, could I be free?

Why do You shine so?
Can a blind man see?
Why do You call?
Why do You beckon me?
Can the deaf hear the voice of love?
Would You have me come?
Can the cripple run?
Are You the one...

To raise me up from this grave?
Touch my tongue and then I'll sing
Heal my limbs, then joyfully I'll run to You

You're everything I could want, that I could need
And I can just feel Your touch and I can't breathe

Look how You shine so, the blind can see
And how You call, how You beckon me
The deaf hear the voice of love
You bid bid me come and the cripple run
You're the one...

To raise me up from this grave
Touch my tongue and then I'll sing
Heal my limbs and joyfully I'll run to You

'Cause You're everything
And I'm alive and I'll sing
And I'm alive and I'm free

~David Crowder

He is the Love

2006-03-20T01:09:00.000-05:00

This is the place I've known
Here in the arms of One who loves
Deeper than anyone
His are the hands I've grown to trust
And this is the place I've known
Here in the arms of One who loves
Farther than I could run
His are the hands I've grown to trust

And I believe...
That His are the hands that spread the sky
And His is the Love that gives me life
And His are the broken, the needy ones
And He is the Love

And His are the hands that spread today
And His is the Love that sacrificed
And we are the broken and needy ones
And He is the Love

~David Crowder

the unofficial countdown

2006-03-15T15:40:00.000-05:00

After today is over, I have exactly 20 days left of class. This means I am almost done school FOREVER. Which also means, unfortunately (or fortunately, however you look at it) I am swiftly losing any and all motivation I have ever possessed in any capacity to put forth effort in my schoolwork. This, combined with a miserable sickness that has been clinging to me for 3 days has resulted in a complete lack of caring about school and an intense longing for these 20 days to be DONE. Is this bad? If it is, I don't care!

But this made me wonder if it is bad to look forward to things....we look forward to Graduation, to Summer, to getting a job, to getting married, to having kids, to retiring... When do we actually get to enjoy what we have been eagerly looking forward to? But, on the other hand, if you never look forward to anything then you never have a drive or purpose or motivation or goal.

So, a balance between looking forward to the future and enjoying the present is needed. But tell me, how does one enjoy the present when it consists of 4 papers, 1 seminar & 1 midterm in 20 days?

Best answer gets a prize...

Cuba with the Zantinghs

2006-01-08T23:03:00.000-05:00

*ing

2005-12-08T00:40:00.000-05:00

waking
noticing
thinking
evaluating
talking
questioning
reiterating
wondering
analyzing
shifting
unsettling
realizing
shocking
scaring
unnerving
screaming
standing
fighting
running
striving
trying
crying
sobbing
pounding
wrenching
tearing
failing
despairing
regretting
tripping
falling
unending
contradicting
seeking
searching
grasping
reaching
sinking
seeping
slipping
conflicting
reducing
grating
scraping
rasping
hurting
accepting
determining
watching
waiting
wishing
wanting
longing
yearning
desiring
sighing
resigning
foregoing
loving
affirming
reassuring
respecting
building
encouraging
seeing
refocusing
refreshing
renewing
fixing
persevering
determining
praying
confiding
petitioning
hoping
remembering
trusting
obeying
living
transforming
leaning
following
giving
offering
surrendering
letting
bending
breaking
grovelling
begging
bowing
transferring
releasing
praising
thanking
adoring
opening
healing
belonging
believing
relying
comforting
empowering
showing
knowing
sharing
protecting
providing
restoring
relaxing
resting
sleeping
dreaming

Paul: to the Galatians

2005-11-30T23:55:00.000-05:00

My counsel is this:
Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit.
Live according to your new life in the Holy Spirit.
Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness.
Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.
The sinful nature loves to do evil,
which is just opposite from what the Holy Spirit wants.
And the Spirit gives us desires
that are opposite from what the sinful nature desires.
For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us
that is at odds with a free spirit,
just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness.
These two ways of life are antithetical,
so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way,
according to how you feel on any given day.
Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit?
And so, escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?
These two forces are constantly fighting against each other,
and your choices are never free from this conflict.
It is obvious what kind of life develops
out of trying to get your own way all the time:
repetitive, loveless, cheap sex;
a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage;
frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness;
trinket gods;
magic-show religion;
paranoid loneliness;
cutthroat competition;
all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants;
a brutal temper;
an impotence to love or be loved;
divided homes and divided lives;
small-minded and lopsided pursuits;
the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival;
uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions;
ugly parodies of community.
When you follow the desires of your sinful nature,
your lives will produce these evil results:
sexual immorality,
impure thoughts,
eagerness for lustful pleasure,
idolatry,
hostility,
quarreling,
jealousy,
outbursts of anger,
selfish ambition,
divisions,
and other kinds of sin.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know.
If you use your freedom this way,
you will not inherit God's kingdom.
But what happens when we live God's way?
What happens when the Holy Spirit controls our lives?
He brings gifts into our lives,
much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard:
things like affection for others,
exuberance about life,
serenity.
We develop a willingness to stick with things,
a sense of compassion in the heart,
and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people.
We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments,
not needing to force our way in life,
able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
He produces in our lives:
love,
joy,
peace,
patience,
kindness,
goodness,
faithfulness,
gentleness,
and self-control.
Those who belong to Christ Jesus
have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross
and crucified them there.
If we are living now by the Holy Spirit,
let us follow the Holy Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.
Let us not become conceited or irritate one another,
or be jealous of one another.
Since this is the kind of life we have chosen,
the life of the Spirit,
let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads
or a sentiment in our hearts,
but work out its implications in every detail of our lives.
That means we will not compare ourselves with each other
as if one of us were better and another worse.
We have far more interesting things to do with our lives.
Each of us is an original.
Make a careful exploration of who you are
and the work you have been given,
and then sink yourself into that.
Don't be impressed with yourself.
Don't compare yourself with others.
Each of you must take responsibility
for doing the creative best you can with your own life.
Don't be misled:
No one makes a fool of God.
What a person plants, he will harvest.
The person who plants selfishness,
ignoring the needs of others - ignoring God!-
harvests a crop of weeds.
All he'll have to show for his life is weeds!
But the one who plants in response to God,
letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him,
harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.
So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good.
At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit.
Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance,
let us work for the benefit of all,
starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.
For my part, I am going to boast about nothing
but the Cross of our Master, Jesus Christ.
Because of that Cross,
I have been crucified in relation to the world,
set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others
and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate.
Can't you see the central issue in all this?
It is not what you and I do.
It is what God is doing,
and he is creating something totally new,
a free life!
What counts is whether we really have been changed
into new and different people.
May God’s mercy and peace be upon all those who live by this principle.
They are the new people of God!
~a combination of NLT and MSG translations~

Jesus Take The Wheel

2005-11-21T21:00:00.000-05:00

Regardless whether these words sound cheesy or not, I have decided to post them on impulse. I was listening to Country 95.3 FM just now and this song came on and I cried. Now I know that it could be just because Carrie Underwood has such a beautiful, powerful voice, but I think it's more. I think it is my bottomless desire to live as God has created me to. To do His will above all else. Why, when this is beyond a shadow of doubt my most prominent desire, do I constantly struggle with surrendering all of me to Him?

She was driving last Friday
On her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy
With the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low
On faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind
And she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder
When she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby
In the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

~Carrie Underwood~Jesus Take The Wheel~

an update

2005-11-08T09:02:00.000-05:00

To blog or not to blog, that is the question. And a question easily answered, as is evident by my lack of posting in recent months. I'm planning on being inspired really soon with some momentous post that will change the world, but for now I'll just share a few interesting tidbits from my wonderful life.

Tidbit #1 - I am busy. But not to the extent that I would drop any of the things that I am involved in. From Senate meetings to SASC responsibilities, Chapel coordination to working in the Main Office, maintaining connections with family and friends to striving to leave time alone with God...my life tends to be a whirlwind that barely leaves room for all these things, nevermind attending classes, studying for midterms and writing papers! I don't think I would have it any other way, though, and I am glad that I am making the most out of my last year here at Redeemer University College.

Tidbit #2 - God is faithful. He continually reminds me to stop trying to figure everything out and to surrender control to Him - trusting Him with all my heart and not leaning on my own understanding - acknowledging Him in all my ways, knowing that He promises to make my paths straight. Even with graduation fast approaching, and with that coming a job search and a substantial OSAP debt.

Tidbit #3 - Christian community has its perks. Recently my dad has been having heart problems, and the subsequent support from people - even just hearing the words "I'm praying for you and your family" is more encouraging than I ever realized it could be. Never underestimate the power of letting someone know you are in their prayers...or, on that note, the power of actually interceding to God on their behalf.

Tidbit #4 - Prayer, God's Word, intentional Christian fellowship, outreach - these are some "spiritual food groups" that nourish our spiritual growth. Skipping devotions and condensing prayer time and making excuses about busyness (even when they are true!) is as detrimental to our faith life as skipping meals is to our physical bodies...even if you can survive for a little without stopping to make a meal, eventually you'll collapse and not be able to take another step until you've eaten something! We always manage to make time to eat - even if it is a little snack in the midst of paper writing. Why then, is that more important and easier to prioritize than Christ, who is the Bread of Life? I'm guilty. I'm trying.

Tidbit #5 - I miss blogging. This has been fun, updating and such...maybe I'll be back at it sooner than I think!

Beautiful

2005-09-05T18:50:00.000-04:00

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

~by bethany dillon

turnin' over tables

2005-08-25T16:26:00.000-04:00

We have a Saviour who fights for us.
Fighting to win our love, He is pursuing and wooing us to His side.
He is Passionate.
He is Ardent.
He is Tenacious.
He wants us to love Him above anything else.
He turns over tables in the temple in a rage.
A righteous anger that is against anything that takes His place in our hearts.
He is passionately, constantly, tirelessly fighting to be the One we love the most.
He fights with holy, jealous Love.
I bet there were hot, frustrated tears searing His cheeks, blurring His vision.
Because He loves money-changers and tax collectors.
Unfailingly.
Yet, they callously disgraced His Love.
I am no better than them.
It's like discovering the one you love has been unfaithful.
And becoming filled with righteous anger and hurt...and still loving.
A Love that will never change.
A Love that will never let go.
He loves us the maximum amount at all times no matter what.
See Him fight for first place in our lives.
I see it, and it breaks my heart because I spurn it over and over again.

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
Sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
For solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand
'Cause I don't understand

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride
Jars of Clay ~ Jealous Kind ~ Who We Are Instead

things that i like

2005-08-10T15:03:00.000-04:00

· warm summer nights without humidity or mosquitos
· a bathroom that smells strongly of fantastix because i sprayed a huge spider to its bleachy death
· school starting soon - and RA/HA training starting even sooner so I can see my friends who will be RA's and HA's - rah rah and haha
· randomly going shopping and finding the shirt of the century...THEN discovering it is 75% off
· cheap gas. cheap as in 91.5/L. but it's cheap relative to 98.6/L. it's a contest - who can find the cheapest gas! (hint: go to the corner of mohawk and garth)
· driving down the Linc and seeing a kite flying from a park. Kites rock.
· sunsets. sunrises. clouds. shooting stars. constellations. heck with it - how about I just say "the vast chameleon canvas that God continually repaints every 2.5 seconds!" A.K.A. the Sky.
· changing my blog template every so often. or more than often. hey, it challenges my waning HTML skills.
· sleeping. sleeping in. pressing snooze 5 times. napping. anything to do with laying down and shutting my eyes. oooh that could be sketchy.
· sketchiness
· laughing. laughing so hard that no sound is emitted and tears stream down my cheeks.
· free food. do not underestimate the power of free food once you live on your own with your own bills.
· cheap rent. who has the cheapest rent in hamilton? ME. top $145/mth, utilities included thank you very much
· answering the phone as my job dictates and hearing the familiar voice of a friend who doesn't recognize my voice because I am in snotty receptionist mode...but then having a great conversation to break up the monotany of my phone-filled day
· messages on my phone when i get home - i especially like the ones directed to ME
· having a clean car, inside and out. but i don't like the measures it takes me to get it and keep it that way!
· emails. lengthly ones. especially when they make me laugh out loud while reading them in the middle of the main office so that everyone stops and looks at me like I am crazy but I don't notice because I am so engrossed in reading my awesome email message
· zit-free days
· getting a new computer at work. bye-bye Windows 98 and hello new world of XP
· buying a new daily planner with cool designs and features and immediately trying to organize my entire next year...
· going into my last year of school EVER. whooooohooooo
· getting real mail. in my mailbox at home. and it not being from an online bank.
· signing up for online banks like ING Drect or President's Choice with all my free time at work
· transferring random amounts of money between my online bank accounts throughout the day so that I feel like I have money.
· figuring out the interest I will make in my online bank accounts in 20 years
· figuring out the interest I will owe OSAP for the next 20 years...wait that's for my "dislike" list...
· the beach. lakes. oceans. rain. just water in general.
· driving the speed limit - you don't get speeding tickets that way!
..and there is probably many more...

unmerited kindness

2005-08-02T10:43:00.000-04:00

A sharp, quick intake of the chilled air, raggedly pushing out the breath almost immediately in order to make room for another one. Faster, I told myself, you MUST run faster. I was running through an unknown woods - the trees closing their leafy arms about me, giving me the hidden sanctuary I sought. What I was running from is irrelevant - what is important is that it had caused me shame. Shame and fear. I did not know myself anymore - nor did I know what to do with the me I found myself facing. I was doing the only thing I thought possible, running away to where no one - not even God - could find me.

Many years ago, two other people ran and hid. They ran and hid and tried to cover themselves by their own effort. Their reaction was recognition, shame, fear and hiding. But their hiding place was translucent and their coverings, inadequate.

At that moment, their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they strung fig leaves together around their hips to cover themselves. Toward evening they heard the LORD God walking about in the garden, so they hid themselves among the trees. The LORD God called to Adam, "Where are you?" He replied, "I heard you, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked."

Sometime between then and now, a king commented on the futility of even trying to hide from God:

I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night - but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you.

But still I ran. Knowing the futility of my actions, yet unable to stop this seemingly innate reaction to the shame that came with the knowledge of my inevitable and continual failings.

The path curved to the right and began ascending before me. As I approached the top of the hill, the trees thinned out to reveal a sun-kissed grassy meadow with pale yellow and orange daylilies waving in the soft breeze. Exhausted and gasping for breath, I stumbled out into this haven of beauty. Finally, I thought, room to breathe.

This brief sigh of relief did not last long, however, for out of the corner of my eye I spotted a movement. A very old man was sitting on a wooden park bench in the middle of this lush field - and he was staring straight at me. Apprehensively I drew nearer to the old man - there seemed nothing else that I could do. It seemed that he knew everything there was to know about me - more, even, than I knew there was to know.

Fearing a severe chastizing, I sat down beside this old man and looked into his eyes. And I was amazed. For there was no condemnation there - this very old man emanated kindness. It permeated his entire being as well as the air around him. In fact - he was kindness in its purest form.

It's fine - it's okay, he said, and in those words all my guilt was absolved. My shame was no more and my heart soared. In those words, the core of forgiveness was felt and the assurance of a Love that always has been and always will be washed over me. He spoke those words over and over again - and my senses drank in this peace that he offered - I heard it, I saw it, I touched it, I tasted it. Then he embraced me as I have never been embraced before - it held the promise of Grace and the unfailingness of Love.

He sent me back after that - back to face my fears, back to face my shame. He did not take it away - he did not allow me to escape my reality - yet he sent me back with a deep Peace in my soul. A Peace that came from a irreplaceable Trust. A Trust that was widened and strengthened by this encounter. Most of all, a sense of Freedom surrounded me - Freedom to live and learn - to go on making choices and decisions without a fear of failure looming over my head. A Freedom to FAIL. Because I knew that no matter what may happen, I was permanently etched on the palms of his hands. The extreme kindness that he embodied did not excuse my mistakes - it erased them completely.

I awoke with a start and pondered what the implications of this dream were. My thoughts dwelled on the phrase, It's fine - it's okay, and I wondered what that really meant. Was my sin ok? Did I not have to worry about my mistakes? I am not meant to strive by my human ability to reach perfection - and my failings are removed forever by Grace - but what do I do with the knowledge that my sin does not affect the unmerited kindness that continually fills my senses?

A song by Chris Tomlin based on Romans 2:4 filled my heart 2 days after the dream in answer to my confusion. It's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance:

Open up the skies of mercy and rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us - hear our cries, Lord, let them rise

And it's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance
Your favour, Lord, is our desire
And it's Your beauty, Lord, that makes us stand in silence
And Your love, Your love is better than life

We can feel Your mercy falling - You are turning our hearts back again
Hear our praises rise to heaven - draw us near, Lord, meet us here

and the WAR rages on....

2005-07-19T10:43:00.000-04:00

What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Romans 7 :15-25 (MSG)

dare to DREAM

2005-07-15T10:12:00.000-04:00

We were created to dream, to desire, to delight. Yes, we must first surrender our dreams to God's control, but we give them up to Him only to discover that He hands them back to us bigger and better than they were before! "God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us!" (Eph 3:20)
Lord, may I be a dreamer of YOUR dreams.

you lead me in - to your courts
surround me with your love
I walk with you, I do not fear...

in this place
dreams are made
in this place - where you are
carry me here
in your arms of love
draw me close to you
I want to be where you are

you carry me, you are my strength
I've learned to trust in you
and once again I'm reaching out...

Click on the CD below to listen to a clip of this song
(it is the one entitled "Carry Me")

Quiz Results

2005-07-06T10:31:00.000-04:00

I am Ephesians.
Joel Haas is Lamentations.Which book of the Bible are you?

burnin'

2005-07-04T15:05:00.000-04:00

started rubbing sticks together

thought a spark would take forever

never dreamt this fire would appear

when Moses saw the bush in flames

and heard the branches speak his name

I wonder if he felt this kind of fear

'cause I'm burnin'

yeah, I'm burnin'

and I know I'm gonna blister in these flames

so I'll stay here

til this smoke clears

and I'll find You in the ashes that remain

used to be that I could say

my faith was one arm's length away

from any flame that ever felt too warm

asked for matches, but I received

a gallon full of gasoline

now my cozy campfire days are gone

knock with caution at the door

they said, beware of what you're praying for

so I'll stand here with my whole desire

in the middle of this forest fire

til I've nothing left to show

and new life begins to grow...

~Nichole Nordeman~Wide Eyed~Burnin'~

In The Grip Of Grace

2005-06-30T12:26:00.000-04:00

Max Lucado's Introduction to his book In The Grip Of Grace:

My only qualification for writing a book on grace is the clothing I wear. Let me explain. For years I owned an elegant suit complete with coat, trousers, even a hat. I considered myself quite dapper in the outfit and was confident others agreed.

The pants were cut from the cloth of my good works, sturdy fabric of deeds done and projects completed. Some studies here, some sermons there. Many people complimented my trousers, and I confess, I tended to hitch them up in public so people would notice them.

The coat was equally impressive. It was woven together from my convictions. Each day I dressed myself in deep feelings of religious fervour. My emotions were quite strong. So strong, in fact, that I was often asked to model my cloak of zeal in public gatherings to inspire others. Of course I was happy to comply.

While there I'd also display my hat, a feathered cap of knowledge. Formed with my own hands from the fabric of personal opinion, I wore it proudly. Surely God is impressed with my garments, I often thought. Occasionally I strutted into his presence so he could compliment the self-tailored wear. He never spoke. His silence must mean admiration, I convinced myself.

But then my wardrobe began to suffer. The fabric of my trousers grew thin. My best works started coming unstitched. I began leaving more undone than done, and what little I did was nothing to boast about.

No problem, I thought. I'll work harder.

But working harder was a problem. There was a hole in my coat of convictions. My resolve was threadbare. A cold wind cut into my chest. I reached up to pull my hat down firmly, and the brim ripped off in my hands.

Over a period of a few months, my wardrobe of self-righteousness completely unraveled. I went from tailored gentlemen's apparel to beggars' rags. Fearful that God might be angry at my tattered suit, I did my best to stitch it together and cover my mistakes. But the cloth was so worn. And the wind was so icy. I gave up. I went back to God. (Where else could I go?)

On a wintry Thursday afternoon, I stepped into his presence, not for applause, but for warmth. My prayer was feeble.

"I feel naked."

"You are. And you have been for a long time."

What he did next I'll never forget. "I have something to give you," he said. He gently removed the remaining threads and then picked up a robe, a regal robe, the clothing of his own goodness. He wrapped it around my shoulders. His words to me were tender. "My son, you are now clothed wtih Christ" (Gal 3:27). Though I'd sung the hymn a thousand times, I finally understood it:

Dressed in his righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne.

a humbling state of humiliation

2005-06-30T11:39:00.000-04:00

Have you ever gone through a period of time in your life where you can't seem to do anything right? Where you seem to all of a sudden be falling short of all the standards or guidelines you have steadfastly set in front of yourself and always prided yourself on keeping? And, no matter what you tried, you continually failed, doing the very things you swore you'd never do - those very things you looked down at others for doing. What a humbling place - and what a humiliating place. But oh, how necessary because, once we realize that we are incapable of standing firm on our own - once we truly realize that we just as easily fall into sin as the next person - then, and only then, can we truly start to understand and experience Grace.

I am in the middle of that place and learning about Grace as never before. Let me explain. My entire life I have been the model 'good Christian girl.' Meaning that I managed to keep my 'filthy rags' hidden very well under a thin veneer of abstaining from the obvious sinful actions of most typical teenagers. This brought me to always assume that I was above those actions - building an almost indetectable pride within me. A puritanical pride that said to myself that God was a little bit happier with me because I could follow my own set of structured rules perfectly.

Now this set of structured rules was carefully crafted to make me look grand. As long as I kept these specific standards upheld in my life, I was ok - I was pleasing to God. Because I am in constant fear of disappointing God and people in my life, it is easier for me to first define exactly what their expectations are, and then legalistically live up to them. However, God doesn't work like that.

The days started coming when I began to bend my rigid lines...and then even further to completely breaking them! I would look back in horror at a freshly broken line - incredulous that I had actually broken those boundaries that I had always carefully set before myself. Then I'd feel like I couldn't pray - like I couldn't connect with God as I had before that line was broken in my life. As if breaking an obvious rule made God love me less. This happened over and over again - and I have been shocking myself and disappointing myself and feeling like God was horribly shocked and disappointed in my actions. After all, I knew better, didn't I? How could I actually be letting myself do the things I had always been cautioned against and had laughed at the possibilty of me doing?

I believe that God has allowed me to fail my structured set of rules in my head in order to point out that (1) I am just as sinful as anyone else, (2) I am incapable of keeping myself on track, and (3) no matter what I do, I cannot either impress God or disappoint Him. He made me - He knows me better than I know myself - and loves me unconditionally yesterday, today and forever - no matter what I do. Ever. He sees what I am capable of with regards to sin - and He delights in the potential He has given me to glorify Him in the midst of my sinfulness.

I have sunk to a new low in my eyes. And by this I have come to a new realization of what I am in God's eyes - righteous. Not by anything I do or don't do, but by His Grace. Then I went home on the weekend and my mother gave me a book to read - without knowing how directly it applied to my current situation. In The Grip Of Grace by Max Lucado. Then I read in devotions Sunday night to "Let circumstances take you where they will, but keep drawing on the grace of God in whatever condition you may find yourself. One of the greatest proofs that you are drawing on the grace of God is that you can be totally humiliated before others without displaying even the slightest trace of anything but His grace." Not that I must keep on sinning to further prove His Grace (Rom 6:1,2) - but that as I sin, realize it, and am humiliated - that then points to God and His Grace. "I must be even more careful to put into action God's saving work in my life, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in me, giving me the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him." (Phil 2:12,13)

anyway

2005-06-28T14:42:00.000-04:00

bless the day this restoration is complete
dirty, dusty, something must be underneath
so I scrape and I scuff
though it's never quite enough
I am starting to see me
finally

a gallery of paintings new
and paintings old
guess its no surprise that I’m no
michaelangelo

every layer of mine
hides a lovely design
it might take a little patience
it might take a little time

but you called me
beautiful
when you saw my shame
and you placed me on the wall
anyway

you who have begun this work will someday see
a portrait of the holiness you meant for me
so I polish and shine till its easier to find
even an outline of mine

~Nichole Nordeman~Wide Eyed~Anyway~

Powerful Pornography

2005-06-24T09:37:00.000-04:00

I have never really thought much about this issue (probably because I am a girl and females don't have the same struggles as males) but I read "The Seduction of Pornography" on the Boundless Webzine today and it really opened my eyes to the destruction pornography has the ability to wreak. And it scared me. This has the power to destroy women because it builds up expectations and ideals that real women in real life can never - and aren't supposed to - measure up to. Are we doomed to forever be a disappointment now? It is way too easy to access, nevermind hide, pornographic media. Is there hope? Is there still a smidgen of purity left? I'd like to hear what some guys have to say about this article, this topic, and what a girl like me can do to help her brothers in Christ. For now, I will start by pleading with God to grant His strength to Christian men - to salvage and purify this once-beautiful-now-horribly-twisted part of creation.

gone are the days

2005-06-22T12:19:00.000-04:00

do I dare even wear what I was thinking of
my true colors bleeding on my sleeve?
do I chance the romance that I've been dreaming of
instead of wishing for it quietly?

always at a distance, I wish you'd safely stayed
despite my resistance, you sought me anyway

gone are the days of all that I was afraid of
I've left behind the traces of who I've been
no longer able to wrestle with this angel
and the closer you get, I can let you love me

I had found it was easier to dance around
the edges of who I could be
if I chose to expose what grows deep down
would you still desire what you see?

no more self-rejection no longer paralyzed
this holy perfection is me inside your eyes

never mind this mirror hanging on the wall
cause I could not pretend to be the fairest of them all
took a hammer to the glass
to shatter all the pieces
the pieces of my past

~Nichole Nordeman~Wide Eyed~Gone Are The Days~

Nichole Nordeman

2005-06-22T12:11:00.000-04:00

Nichole Nordeman is an incredible Chrsitian artist and if you are a fan of female soloists who write, play and sing amazing lyrics I recommend you purchase a CD or two - Wide Eyed is her first and my favourite. Therefore, over the next few days I am going to do a 'series' of sorts and post lyrics to her songs that have really spoken to me and, in a sense, 'pulled me through' rough times.

I'm good, how are you?

2005-06-16T08:55:00.000-04:00

"Good morning, Redeemer University College." I repeat that phrase hundreds of times throughout the day. Occasionally, the caller won't cut me off brusquely with their desired extension and the conversation will actually resemble the following format:

"Good morning, how are you?" A pleasant voice queries on the other end of the line.

"Good, how are you?" Comes my automatic response, having ears only for the extension that comes next.

But I am not "good." Not by any such stretch of the imagination. I was "good" a couple of days ago when I posted about how blessed I am. That was then. Now as I watch the torrential downpour just outside my office window, I feel that it echoes the weather of my heart. So does the haunting music of Evanescence. I want to retreat. I want to run away. Or at least lock myself alone in a room and curl up into a little ball and soak my thoughts in the permeating melancholy of Sarah McLachlan and Chantal Kreviazuk and release body-wracking sobs of unintelligible prayers - allowing them to seep heart-wrenchingly from my veins - reaching, aching, yearning for my Daddy to wrap me in His loving embrace. But I can't do that. I have a roommate. And a job. And a boyfriend. And more friends than I can keep caught up with or feel connected to. And a family. And grocery shopping and volunteering with Salvation Army and the list goes on. There are things to do, people to see, smiles to paste on, laughs to force, tears to dry, duties to fulfill - no time to dust off the shelves of my heart and dig down into the little crevices and seek healing for the wounds that are bottled up and buried there. "Whom shall I fear?" I fear a lot of things. It is a controlling fear - a ship-wrecking fear. I fear disclosing who I really am because it is bound to get rejected.

Oh, I'm sure this is just a mood swing - don't worry, soon I'll be back in a position where I can continue to post the "uplifting" stuff Amyanners thinks is my usual style. But it is not. Not really. Not if I am Honest and Real and Genuine. (PS - I love Amyann a lot.)

But no one needs to see this. More so, no one ever wants to see this. The dark side should always remain hidden, correct? Muffled, snuffed out, rejected, forgotten, smothered. We hate messes - so we shove them under the carpet instead of cleaning them up properly. We hate to see people falling apart because it reminds us that we too are falling apart. Well I will be honest. I feel like I am falling apart. Fraying at the seams. I have no logical reasons. I can't explain to others what I cannot understand myself. But it cannot be denied. But who ever wants to listen to this? Read this? It's scary. Not fun. We are supposed to be as positive and happy and bouncy as possible. Yay life is soooooooooo fun and I am soooooooooo happy and there is never a dull moment, nevermind a depressed moment. HELLO???

Thoughts run thrugh my head like a radio tuned into 25 different stations at once.

I'm in a tangled web - out at sea with waves and breakers crashing over my head
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Without the mask where will I hide
I can't find myself lost in my lies
Help me Believe
'Cause I don't wanna miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes for once
And I would shed this grown-up skin I'm in to touch an angel's wing
And I would be Free
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The gardens of imaginary life
But You called me Beautiful when You saw my shame
Gasping for breath
Rasping for breath
Grasping for Breath
I asked for matches and I received a gallon full of gasoline
Our God is a Consuming Fire Heb 12:29
Arise
Come
My Darling
My Beautiful One
Come with Me Song of Songs 2:13
My heart has heard You say, "Come and talk with me"
And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming." Ps 27:8
You don't have to figure everything out for it to happen in your life
If you wait for the perfect conditions, you will never get anything done Ecc 11:4

Something is brewing. Deep in the darkest parts, something big is billowing closer. I've felt this past year build, escalate to this point. There is much more escalation to come before it is over.

Over the past year I have drifted embarrassingly far from Jesus - and recently ran back full force even closer into His faithful loving arms. But with that comes awareness and struggle and a WAR. The closer we desire to be to Jesus, the less complacent we become, the more we play offensively. That pisses Satan off and he attacks more. Happy go-lucky ineffective "good Christian people" aren't bothered by him because they aren't taking the offense. They actually don't even need to be on the defense because they aren't causing a ruckus. They can't relate to a life of struggle and battle. But the more you try to really become a living sacrifice - a shining reflection of Christ, the more you get shot at - we are pressed but not crushed...(2 Cor 4:7-10) - but then you must depend more on Jesus Christ for supernatural strength. We aren't meant to be happy and content. We are meant to be STRONG in the JOY of the LORD (Neh 8:10). Why would we need that kind of supernatural strength if not for a raging intense battle? Why would we need to be more than conquerors (Rom 8:37) if not to conquer victoriously in a WAR? Sound the battle cry. Renounce Satan's lies and doubts and fears and worries planted deeply in our minds and hearts. Replace that empty space with God's TRUTH and God's LOVE and God's POWER - standing strong in the mighty armour of God (Eph 6:10-18).

I don't trust myself. Because I am not capable on my own. And it is taking every ounce of energy in the entirety of my being to trust Christ one moment at a time (Prov 3:5,6).

I'm good thanks, how are you?

BLESSED

2005-06-09T09:36:00.001-04:00

I am so blessed. Special thanks to Annie Ling for her encouraging and uplifting ways - God's orchestration of delightful details is wonderful! And specifically thanks for the CD she made me on Monday. This song is on there and I, although sharing lyrics seems like all I have been doing on this site lately, simply must share it! Oh the true meaning of trusting that God directs our every step and walking in the assurance of being His treasured possession!

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt
Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am...
I am Yours

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain and calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours

~I Am Yours by Casting Crowns

Stir Me

2005-06-07T12:35:00.000-04:00

So I've been reading a lot lately. And one book that has been incredibly inspiring is "Living Faith" by Helen Roseveare (listed on the right-->). Throughout the book her theme is based on an old hymn which uses the phrase 'Stir me, Lord!'. To illustrate her point she tells a story from the mission base in Africa where she worked for many years.

Several boys were helping her paint the church building. She gave them the paint cans and brushes and asked them if they knew what they were doing. The said yes and she left them for the morning. Going back in the afternoon, she noticed that, although they seemed to be working hard, there was just a clear finish over everything - not the white coat of paint she expected to see. Confused, she went over to where they were working to investigate. It turns out that they were doing everything right - except they had forgotton to stir the cans of paint! Unmixed cans of paint are useless. Her point here is that we must be stirred by God - passsion stirred up from the very bottom of our hearts and mixed throughout our entire being. She talks about how the stirring is not fun and that it can be painful and tedious and hard - but that it is necessary.

Stir me, oh stir me Lord, I care not how,
But stir my heart in passion for the world.
Stir me to give, to go, but most to pray.
Stir until the blood-red banner be unfurled
O'er lands that still in darkness lie
O'er lands where no cross is lifted high.

Stir me, oh, stir me, Lord, till all my heart
Is filled with strong compassion for lost souls,
Till Thy compelling “must” drives me to pray,
Till Thy constraining love reach to the poles.
Far north and south, in burning deep desire.
Till east and west are caught in love's great fire!

Stir me, oh stir me Lord, till prayer is pain,
Till prayer is joy, till prayer turns into praise.
Stir me till heart and mind and will - yea, all
Is wholly Thine to use through all the days.
Stir till I learn to pray exceedingly
Stir till I learn to wait expectantly.

Stir me, oh, stir me, Lord! Thy heart was stirred
By love's intensest fire, till Thou didst give
Thine only Son, Thy best-beloved One,
E'en to the dreadful cross, that I might live:
Stir me to give myself so back to thee
That Thou canst give Thyself again, -- through me.

Stir me, oh, stir me, Lord! For I can see
Thy glorious triumph day begin to break.
The dawn already gilds the eastern sky.
Oh church of Christ, arise! Awake! Awake!
Oh, stir us, Lord, as heralds of that day!
The night is past - our King is on His Way!

~Hymn by Bessie Porter Head

Then Sings My Soul

2005-06-03T15:45:00.000-04:00

Today I spent my lunch hour in the piano room at Redeemer University College. My music, as mentioned throughout many of my posts, reflects my heart, my soul - what I am feeling on the inside is expressed through the sounds released by my fingers on the keys.

Initially my song was sorrowful, confused, anxious, hesitant - and in a minor key. My feelings definitely were of the minor key sort and I lingered on the dissonant tones and plaintive harmonies.

I then spent some time in prayer. Casual prayer to be sure - merely speaking my thoughts aloud to the omniscient God that surrounds me always. Frustrations poured out of me - and questions and worries and fears - everything that I had just played was now put into words to flow from my heart to my Father's hands.

Then I sat down at the piano once more, determined to praise God instead of hosting a pity party for myself. My fingertips sought out a major key this time, composing something more confident and joyous - yet peaceful. I pressed into the tune, feeling God's assurance and love wash over me, replacing my insecurities and doubt.

It was then that it hit me. I realized that the progression of my left hand was actually the same as it had been before - only in a different order! God had taken my minor sorrow and confusion and transformed it into major joy and peace. And that is what He is doing with my life. He transforms the little minor problems and struggles that I go through, as I redirect them to Him, into major milestones of praise and worship and blessing!

Then sings my soul,
My Saviour, God - to You!
How great You are
How great You are

the need for brokenness...

2005-06-01T11:57:00.000-04:00

I sometimes read this daily devotional online called Soul Journey and today's was about brokenness and I felt like sharing it with the rest of you.

We are taught as kids to hate broken things—broken toys, broken bones, broken promises. But that’s not the way God looks at it. God delights in brokenness, because it is in our brokenness that He can begin to do in our lives all the things He longs to do.

Have you ever been broken? Brokenness says not only “God, I need You,” but also “God, You are all I need.” Brokenness is having desperation for Him. It’s empty-handedness before God. It has no demands, and makes no requests. Brokenness is falling into the embrace of your loving Father and finding Him to be enough. Brokenness is saying no to the clamoring voice of your flesh, no to the pride and self-confidence that has made you so restless and unhappy for so long, and saying yes to the longing for God that is deep within every person’s soul.

If I want God to work in me, what exactly must be broken?

My independence. “I can make it without You, God.”
My willfulness. “You can’t make me. You can’t tell me.”
My stubbornness. “I’m going to do this my way.”
My pride. “I will protect my interests, my reputation, my position.”

All of these attitudes keep God from showing up in our lives, so they’re the things He will seek to remove. He uses tools like broken health, broken careers, broken dreams, broken relationships, broken promises, and broken hearts.

The purpose of brokenness is to bring us to the point where we can say to God, “Not only do I need You, but You are all I need.” —James MacDonald

bottom line: Brokenness is a route to wholeness.
Psalm 51:10-17
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will turn back to You. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
What area of pride is the Lord highlighting in my heart right now? I’ll get a piece of paper and pen and get alone with God, and ask Him to identify areas of my will that need to be broken.

What Now?

2005-05-31T08:19:00.000-04:00

I saw the face of Jesus in a little orphan girl
She was standing in the corner on the other side of the world
And I heard the voice of Jesus gently whisper to my heart
Didn't you say you wanted to find me?
Well here I am, here you are

So, what now? What will you do now that you found Me?
What now? What will you do with this treasure you've found?
I know I may not look like what you expected
But if you remember this is right where I said I would be
You've found me, what now?

And I saw the face of Jesus down on Sixteenth Avenue
He was sleeping in an old car, while his mom went looking for food
And I heard the voice of Jesus gently whisper to my soul
Didn't you say you wanted to know me?
Well here I am, and it's getting cold

So, come and know
Come and know, know me now

~by Steven Curtis Chapman on his latest CD You Make All Things New

Matthew 25:34-40

The King will say to those on his right, "Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why:

I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me."

Then those sheep are going to say, "Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?"

Then the King will say, "I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me--you did it to me."

Men

2005-05-30T12:11:00.000-04:00

Men are funny. They like to keep their options open. But there is hope. Read this.

A "Great Writer"

2005-05-30T10:56:00.000-04:00

"Sir, I have always looked forward to this meeting," I almost blurted out.

"As have I," he replied with genuine sincerity.

"I feel that I know you, and in your writings I almost felt like you somehow knew me. I think that I owe more to you than to anyone else who was not canonized in Scripture," I continued.

"You are very gracious," he replied. "But I am sorry that I did not serve you better. I was a shallow person, and my writings were shallow, and filled with more worldly wisdom than divine truth."

"Since I have been here, and learned all that I have learned, I know that this must be true, but I still think they are some of the best that we have on earth," I answered.

"You are right," this famous writer admitted, with sincerity. "It is so sad. Everyone here, even those who sit closest to the King, would live their lives differently if they had them to live over, but I think that I would live mine even more differently than most. I was honored by kings, but failed the King of kings. I used the great gifts and insights that were given me to draw men more to myself, and my wisdom, than to Him. Besides, I only knew Him by the hearing of the ear, which is the way I compelled other men to know Him. I made them dependent on me, and others like me. I turned them more to deductive reasoning than to the Holy Spirit, Who I hardly knew. I did not point men to Jesus, but to myself, and others like me who pretended to know Him. When I beheld Him here, I wanted to ground my writings into powder, just as Moses did to the golden calf. My mind was my idol, and I wanted everyone to worship my mind with me. Your esteem for me does not cause me to rejoice. If I had spent as much time seeking to know Him as I did seeking to know about Him in order to impress others with my knowledge, many of those who are in this lowest of companies would be sitting in the throne that was prepared for them, and many others would be in this room."

"I know by being here that your appraisal of your work is true, but are you not being a little to hard on yourself?" I questioned. "Your works fed me spiritually for many years, as I know they have multitudes of others."

"I am not being too hard on myself. All that I have said is true as it was confirmed when I stood before the throne. I produced a lot, but I was given more talents than almost anyone here, and I buried them beneath my own spiritual pride and ambitions. Just as Adam could have carried the whole human race into a most glorious future, but by his failure led billions of souls into the worst of tragedies, with authority comes responsibility. The more authority you are given, the more potential for both good and evil you will have. Those who will rule with Him for the ages will know responsibility of the most profound kind. No man stands alone, and every human failure, or victory, resonates far beyond our comprehension, even to generations to come. The many thousands who I could have led properly would have resulted in many more millions here. Anyone who understands the true nature of authority would never seek it, but only accept it when they know they are yoked with the Lord, the only One who can carry authority without stumbling. Never seek influence for yourself, but only seek the Lord and be willing to take His yoke. My influence did not feed your heart, but rather your pride in knowledge."

"How can I know that I am not doing the same?" I asked as I began to think of my own writings.

"Study to show yourself approved unto God, not men," he replied as he walked back into the ranks. Before he disappeared he turned and with the slightest smile, offered one last bit of advice: "And do not follow me."

~ A “Great Writer” in Rick Joyner’s vision The Final Quest

I'll never stray again...

2005-05-25T20:14:00.000-04:00

I can't run anymore
I fall before You
Here I am
I have nothing left
Though I've tried to forget
You're all that I am
Take me home
I'm through fighting it
Broken
Lifeless
I give up
You're my only Strength
Without You
I can't go on
Anymore
Ever again

My only Hope (All the times I've tried)
My only Peace (To walk away from You)
My only Joy
My only Strength (I fall into Your abounding grace)
My only Power
My only Life (And Love is where I am)
My only Love

I can't run anymore
I give myself to You
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
In all my bitterness
I ignored
All that's real and true
All I need is You
When night falls on me
I'll not close my eyes
I'm too alive
And You're too strong
I can't lie anymore
I fall down before You
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Constantly ignoring
The pain consuming me
But this time it's cut too deep
I'll never stray again

<October by Evanescence>

The Fragile Figurine

2005-05-22T23:41:00.000-04:00

The beautifully handcrafted glass figurine sat on the shelf. It was a work of art - stunning and rare. "Daddy! Daddy! I want that one!" cried the little girl. Her eye had caught the shimmering light reflecting from the lovely glass - sparkling like diamonds along the sculpted cascading hair and flowing gown. It was her heart's desire to take it home with her - to have it sit on her shelf and gaze into its exquisite, transparent depths.

And so she was granted her wish and, with admonitions to always be careful with this fragile treasure and to not touch it until the time was right, it found a home on a shelf in her room - right by the window and at just the right angle so that it reflected the most light possible throughout the entire room.

It was hard to resist, but the little girl managed to let it remain on the shelf. However, each time the sunset gleamed through her window and the figurine sent forth dancing rainbows of light, her eyes would light up and glisten with desire to hold it. "Just once," she thought, "If I am really really careful, I can hold her." So, one day she stepped towards the shelf and laid a trembling hand on her precious gift. Slowly, with both hands outstretched, she painstakingly lifted the figurine from its resting place. But, in her delight and the unexpected joy she felt from holding this treasure in her own two small hands, she let her grip loosen and it slipped. CRASH!

"Daddy! Daddy!" she cried, "Oh no! I've ruined her - I just wanted to touch her for a moment but now she is shattered!" A million sparkling pieces of glass radiated light around the room - catching the shimmering tears spilling down the little girls face. "Shhhhhhhhh, honey. Everything is going to be alright, " soothed her father, reaching down to draw the little girl into his comforting arms. He let her sobs subside into his shoulder and helped her into bed.

The next morning she awoke to see the morning light playing on her wall. She glanced over to her shelf, expecting to see an empty space where her figurine had once stood gracefully. And there it was! Full of joy and disbelief, she sat in awe and gazed steadily at her treasure. How it had been fixed she could not understand, but there it stood - tall and proud and gleaming with light.

She vowed to never touch it again - on her shelf it would stay. And stay it did. Every morning light and every sunset glow reflected from it to dance around her room in gorgeous displays. The figurine stood firmly on the shelf, beautiful yet distant. At times she still yearned to touch it, remembering fondly that one moment of pure joy when she had held it in her hands. Somehow, even though it gave beautiful visual displays of reflecting rainbows, holding it in her tiny grasp had given her a joy she could not explain.

But she remembered what had happened following that moment of exceeding joy. A crash. A horrid crash that she never wanted to hear again. A crash that would be imbedded in her memory for all of time. She also remembered the miraculous second chance that she had been given, and this strengthened her resolve to never let anything like that happen again.

The years passed and the little girl grew. Her toys and childish decorations were put away and her room became "all grown up." But she could not bear to put the figurine into a box in the attic. No, this was too beautiful to shut up away in a dusty room with no light. This figurine was created to reflect light and even though she was older, she still was constantly fascinated by it.

The day came when she had to move out of her room and the packing began. Everything was sorted and cleaned and labelled and packaged - except the figurine. She refused to touch it - too frightened that she would make the same mistake again. Too afraid that in her handling of her most prized possession, it might break. Or crack. Or shatter. She could not trust herself to take her beloved figurine from the shelf and wrap it in soft packaging and place it in its travelling box. She stood there for what seemed like hours, knowing that she must touch it, take it her hands and move it. It was the right time now. Maybe touching it before had not been the right thing to do, but now? Now was obviously the right time - more than the right time, it was the only time! It was now or never, but she just couldn't bring herself to take that risk.

Her father entered her room. "Are you ready to go?" he asked, knowing full well what was hindering her progress from the room. "Daddy...I know that it is time to touch my figurine now, but something inside me is terrified at the risk of breaking her." "It is alright, dear. Since the day when you let her slip to the floor, you have taken much care to not let that happen again. You have fully enjoyed her reflected light throughout your room, and, even though you knew there was more joy to be had than simply watching the light dance across your ceiling, you did not make the same mistake again. You have been obediantly enjoying her from a distance, taking special precautions to keep the figurine's beauty intact and lovely. However, now is the time to touch her. You may take her down from the shelf, hold her in your now ready hands and fully experience the joy that comes with that gesture. Do not be afraid, for I am right here beside you and I will not leave. Everything will be alright - go ahead. Reach out and take her from her resting place. Remember my comfort and love from the last time you held her - that is offered to you no matter what may happen. I cannot promise that you will hold her perfectly the first time, or that she will not shatter again - but I am promising you that I am here, ready to help you every moment. I will tell you step by step how to hold her properly and, with practice, you will grow in confidence, being able to experience the wondrous joy that comes with fully possessing your treasure."

The tears that brimmed to the surface were a mixture of fear and excitement. Her heart pounded, her knees weakened, her hands trembled with anticipation. But she trusted her father's words - knowing that he was beside her, loving her, whether it shattered or not. Carefully, slowly, finally! Her hands reached out towards the fragile figurine...

A "Great Reformer"

2005-05-20T12:51:00.000-04:00

“I made one of the most grave mistakes you can make as one entrusted with the glorious gospel of our Savior. Just as the apostle Paul progressed from not considering himself inferior to the greatest apostles, to being the greatest of sinners, I took the opposite course. I started out knowing that I had been one of the greatest of sinners who had found grace, but ended up thinking that I was one of the greatest apostles. It was because of my great pride, not insecurity, that I began to attack everyone who did not see everything just the way I did. Those who followed me I stripped of their own callings, and even their personalities, pressuring them to all become just like me. No one around me could be themselves. No one dared to question me because I would crush them into powder; I thought that by making others smaller I made myself larger. I thought that I was supposed to be the Holy Spirit to everyone. From the outside my ministry looked like a smooth running machine where everyone was in unity and there was perfect order, but it was the order of a concentration camp. I took the Lord's own children and made them automations in my own image instead of His. In the end I was not even serving the Lord, but the idol I had built to myself. By the end of my life I was actually an enemy of the true gospel, at least in practice, even if my teachings and writings seemed impeccably biblical."

"God has a different set of history books than those on the earth. Earthly histories will pass away, but the books that are kept here will last forever. If you can rejoice in what heaven is recording about your life, you are blessed indeed. Men see through a glass darkly, so their histories will always be clouded, and sometimes completely wrong. Very few, even very few Christians, have the true gift of discernment. Without this gift it is impossible to accurately discern truth in those of the present or the past. Even with this gift it is difficult. Until you have been here, and been stripped, you will judge others through distorted prejudices, either positive or negative. That is why we were warned not to judge before the time. Until we have been here we just cannot really know what is in the heart of others, whether they are performing good or evil deeds. There have been good motives in even the worst of men, and evil motives in even the best of them. Only here can men be judged by both their deeds and their motives."

"Do not try to teach others to do what you are not doing yourself. Reformation is not just a doctrine. True reformation only comes from union with the Savior. When you are yoked with Christ, carrying the burdens that He gives you, He will be with you and carry them for you. You can only do His work when you are doing it with Him, not just for Him. Only the Spirit can beget that which is Spirit. If you are yoked with Him you will do nothing for the sake of politics or history. Anything that you do because of political pressures, or opportunities, will only lead you to the end of your true ministry. The things that are done for the sake of trying to make history will at best doom your accomplishments to history, and you will fail to impact eternity. If you do not live what you preach to others you disqualify yourself from the high calling of God, just as we did. I will tell you what will keep you on the path of life- love the Savior and seek His glory alone. Everything that you do to exalt yourself will one day bring you the most terrible humiliation. Everything that you do out of true love for the Savior, to glorify His name, will extend the limits of His eternal kingdom, and, ultimately result in a much higher place for yourself. Live for what is recorded here. Care nothing for what is recorded on earth."

~ A “Great Reformer” in Rick Joyner’s vision The Final Quest

Magnificent Obsession

2005-05-18T16:53:00.000-04:00

It’s late. And I must awaken early tomorrow morning. Fold my clothes, straighten my desk, brush my teeth…kick the cat. Carefully I fold back the covers on my newly fixed bed and ease my tired body down between the sheets. Breathe in…and exhale. I stretch my hand towards the lamp, intent on sleeping as soon as possible. Today was a good day – I am content and I have no complaints. Darkness in 4…3…2…oops. Almost forgot to do my evening devotions again. The light must remain for just a few moments longer. What to read, what to read….no, don’t feel like a psalm…not the gospels, not the letters of Paul. Isaiah 53. Isaiah 53? That’s a random thought – is God telling me to read that? No, that cannot be – my mind just haphazardly picked a book and a random chapter number. But, okay God, I will grant You the benefit of the doubt and read that passage as if You specifically desire me to focus on that tonight. Isaiah…Isaiah…32…47…52…fifty-three:

Who has believed our message? To whom will the LORD reveal his saving power? My servant grew up in the LORD's presence like a tender green shoot, sprouting from a root in dry and sterile ground. There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him. He was despised and rejected--a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went by. He was despised, and we did not care.
Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God for his own sins! But he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped, and we were healed! All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the LORD laid on him the guilt and sins of us all.
He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led as a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. From prison and trial they led him away to his death. But who among the people realized that he was dying for their sins--that he was suffering their punishment? He had done no wrong, and he never deceived anyone. But he was buried like a criminal; he was put in a rich man's grave.
But it was the LORD's good plan to crush him and fill him with grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the LORD's plan will prosper in his hands. When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of what he has experienced, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. I will give him the honors of one who is mighty and great, because he exposed himself to death. He was counted among those who were sinners. He bore the sins of many and interceded for sinners.

Enter stage left: wave of guilt and shame. Enter stage right: fresh realization of God’s Love – even when I esteem Him not. My day had gone by without mentioning His name – I was guilty of ignoring Him, passing Him by, of pushing Him to the back of my mind until it was convenient for me to ponder great truths about Him in my specifically set aside devotional time. A time that was often rushed and an afterthought – not the highlight, the climax , the nucleus or the foundation of my day. I was trying to live by “bread alone” – not depending on “every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4) to sustain me.

My past day did not explicitly point to this Christ, Man of Sorrows. I had not been radically different for the sake of the Cross. Its power had not noticeably been changing me. I look at the past 24 hours and am saddened to find that they are devoid of revolutionary difference, of life-changing passion, of contagious excitement filling my every step.

I once again stretch my arm towards the lamp, turn the switch and roll over. This time, my eyes brimming with tears and my heart aching with grief, a desperate plea arises from my soul:

Jesus, may my life revolve around You – let everything be affected by my intimate heart relationship with You. May everything I do obviously point to You – consume my thoughts, my words, my actions. May I be expectant each day, each moment. May I recognize how You are working in each minute. You came so that I may have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10). Let me not live half-heartedly. Let me not waste my life – sleeping it away and not living out fully what You mean my life to be. I desire to be wholly devoted to You. Lord Jesus Christ, be my Magnificent Obsession.

Song of the Moment

2005-05-16T07:29:00.000-04:00

This song is incredible - it is better when heard to music, so you should listen to a sample clip and if you play an instrument, download the chords.

More Than A Friend
by Jeremy Riddle

In the quiet of my soul
In the stillness I hear Your voice call
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

Jesus, You're more than a friend
Jesus, You're more than my heart
Could ever express
Your love and Your grace never fail me
Your merciful touch always heals me
You bring joy to my soul

My heart longs to worship You my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

Food For Thought

2005-05-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

As you can probably see, I have added a "Food For Thought" section to the 'sidebar' so that I can display what books I have read, am reading, or really want to read. Each one is linked to cool sites that either describe the book or actually have excerpts from the book online. My favourite is "My Utmost for His Highest" because if you click on it, you can read the daily reading from it online. Read it everyday - it's great. Credits for this 'book shelf' idea go, of course, to the Dumb Sheep - although I didn't completely copy them!

An Interviewee

2005-05-05T10:03:00.000-04:00

I just sent Amyann Faul interview questions - there are still 4 spots left if anyone else would like the privilege/challenge! Leave a comment and your email address if you'd like to be one of the lucky 4!

Tagged by "The BvO"

2005-05-05T09:08:00.000-04:00

Well it looks like I have been tagged by Brian vanOosten to answer 5 "If I Could Be" questions. OOh fun games. First though, I must say I just met BvO and he is nice - his girlfriend is my roommate for the summer and her name is Jenn van Breda. So, because there are two Jenn's he has nicknamed me "Klassen". Very original, I must say. He fixed my bed for me after knowing me for only 5 minutes. That, to me, signals the beginning of a happy summer!

Here are the rules: I pick 5 occupations out of the list below and post my answers. Then I tag 3 other people to post their answers on their blog.

The list: If I could be a scientist...If I could be a farmer...If I could be a musician...If I could be a doctor...If I could be a painter...If I could be a gardener...If I could be a missionary...If I could be a chef...If I could be an architect...If I could be a linguist...If I could be a psychologist...If I could be a librarian...If I could be an athlete...If I could be a lawyer...If I could be an inn-keeper...If I could be a professor...If I could be a writer...If I could be a llama-rider...If I could be a bonnie pirate...If I could be an astronaut...If I could be a world famous blogger...If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...If I could be married to any current famous political figure...

Here are my answers:

If I could be a bonnie pirate I would be VERY attractive and VERY grumpy all the time and I would, for purely the sake of my own sick enjoyment, make whomever I was most annoyed or frustrated with at the moment walk the plank whenever I needed a pick me up.

If I could be an inn-keeper I would make sure there was ALWAYS room in the inn!

If I could be an athlete I would be the farthest removed from who I am at this very moment that I could possibly be and I would love sports and I would win and I would have realistic dreams of winning an Olympic gold medal for both diving and figure skating! (I would need a possibilty for both the Summer and Winter Olympics so that I had a chance every 2 years and not just every 4!)

If I could be a missionary my life would be an incredible adventure of joy and pain. I would go to a place in Africa that has been ravaged by AIDS and run an orphanage for street children - being both their mother and friend in the name of Jesus Christ.

If I could be a linguist I would keep on learning more and more languages because they say that the more languages you learn, the easier it is to learn new ones! Then I would translate the Bible into languages it has never been translated into before. And I would talk to interesting people in interesting languages all day every - travelling to random places and having random conversations.

Mkay, well those are my answers and the taggees are Adam Harris, Joel Haas and Josiah Bokma.

keeping the main thing the main thing

2005-04-18T03:37:00.000-04:00

April 17 – My Utmost for His Highest - All or Nothing?
"When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment . . . and plunged into the sea" — John 21:7
Have you ever had a crisis in your life in which you deliberately, earnestly, and recklessly abandoned everything? It is a crisis of the will. You may come to that point many times externally, but it will amount to nothing. The true deep crisis of abandonment, or total surrender, is reached internally, not externally. The giving up of only external things may actually be an indication
of your being in total bondage.
Have you deliberately committed your will to Jesus Christ? It is a transaction of the will, not of emotion; any positive emotion that results is simply a superficial blessing arising out of the transaction. If you focus your attention on the emotion, you will never make the transaction. Do not ask God what the transaction is to be, but make the determination to surrender your will regarding whatever you see, whether it is in the shallow or the deep, profound places internally.
If you have heard Jesus Christ’s voice on the waves of the sea, you can let your convictions and your consistency take care of themselves by concentrating on maintaining your intimate relationship to Him.

My thoughts:

Our God has designed His “holistic salvation” to begin in the hearts of His followers and spread outward in ripple effects from there. What an incredible privilege, blessing and responsibility that God has chosen to use our lives as vessels through which to bring His kingdom! As we cultivate our inner connection to Him, all else flows out of that relationship – embodiment of the Kingdom and the Reign of God! We are able to reflect His glory to the world around us when it is first of all manifested in us. This made me think of this passage – such ridiculous and foolish abandonment: All for Jesus!

Matthew 26:7-13 - Jesus Anointed at Bethany

6While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, 7a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table. 8When the disciples saw this, they were indignant. “Why this waste?” they asked. 9“This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor.” 10Aware of this, Jesus said to them, “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. 11The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. 12When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. 13I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”

Here, the disciples thought they had it right – they had watched and learned directly from Jesus day in and day out. His teachings on money and giving to the poor were ingrained into their heads. So, when this woman “wasted” something that was supposed to have a different use, they came to a very logical conclusion according to what they had seen in the life of Jesus. Except this was a direct offering of intimate worship to Jesus – an outpouring of extravagant love from the very core of that woman’s being. That is where their analytical understanding fell short and the woman's heart motives began...

Interviewed by Brittany Goheen

2005-04-14T13:59:00.000-04:00

1. List three or so of the biggest blessings God has given you in the past school year, and how they have changed/will change you.

a) Friends
i) Dorm 26 – my girls are amazing. As I have poured myself into them this year, they have poured back love tenfold which has served to make me grow (I love loving and being loved in return!!) – specifically giving me confidence to be exactly who God created me to be –myself. ii) Those who have been there to listen and support and encourage and love – this year has been a journey of discovering who God created me to be and to have confidence in that. A variety of friends strategically placed by God along the way have served to teach and bless me – encouraging me to be wholly myself in Christ

b) Purpose Driven Life – a certain blessing in disguise because I have never wanted to read it – I actually strongly dislike the book itself and avoid it – but twice over the course of this year I have been at “crisis” moments, have not known what to do and I have both times “randomly” picked it up and read a chapter begrudgingly, only to find that (despite any theological discrepancies) it has applied directly to my moment of crisis and has turned my focus back to Christ and trusting Him above all

c) Neo-Calvinism – another crazy blessing in disguise cause I used to loathe it, but further reading on this blogsite will tell the story – it has and is certainly shaping my life and deepening my understanding and faith

2. If there was only going to be one food on the new earth, what would it be? (and what memories do you attach to that food?)

German Pancakes. They are like crepes (very thin) and you roll them up with fruit or chocolate or whip cream or sugar and syrup inside. As far back as I can remember it is my dad’s specialty and no one can ever make them as amazing as he can. Often in my house, supper would be extra-special when it consisted of these pancakes along with waffles and special waffle sauce (the sauce made by my mother – mmmm) and it was great. My dad would make fun-shaped pancakes in our initials or snowmen or some random shape that we had to guess what it was…I think those ones were just mistakes but it was fun anyways! Now I have carried on the tradition of making German Pancakes, and my dorms throughout the past three years have reaped the benefits – but my creations have never come close to matching my dad’s pancakes!

3. What is your best Camp Kahquah memory?

a) Junior Teen Camp Week - Wednesday, July 24th, 2002 – Three of us lifeguard girls developed a skit that was a personal testimony of each of us and we presented it that night with extreme emotion and passion and God used both it and a guys testimony that night to impact about 70 kids lives for Christ – the chapel was so thick with the love of God and the joy of the Lord that night – I will never forget it and I have seen the ripple effects from that night spread and continue to spread to this day in the kids that were a part of it and in my own life.
b) Wakeboarding
c) Friends
d) Devotions on the Hiawatha Trail
e) Sunsets
f) This list could go on forever…

4. Describe your family (and family dynamics) in a paragraph or so.

There are 4 of us. Mom and Dad, Victoria (younger by 2 ½ years) and I. My dad is quiet. He is a mailman and is such an example of patience and love and servanthood. My mom is not quiet. She used to be a nurse, then became a stay at home mom. She is strict – when I was a kid I used to describe her as “firm, firm, firm!” – but more than anything I appreciate how she has shaped who I am – I would not be where I am or who I am without how God has used my mother to raise me. She, every morning before I would head to school, would pray a “hedge of protection” around me and I have over and over again seen the evidences of that hedge. She has shown me what it means to have God at the centre of your life. My sister, Victoria, is very different from myself. She goes to Redeemer as well and we have always done much of the same activities, but our personalities are VERY different. We don’t get along ALL the time, but she has served to challenge me in what living a selfless, others-centred life truly means by seeing through me to my “dark not-so-nice side” better than most.

5. How has music affected/shaped your life up until this point, and how do you see it shaping your life in the future?

a) I communicate through music – music touches my soul – sometimes I go to the piano rooms and play made up songs of worship that have no words – the notes simply fly from my fingertips as little praises and prayers to God
b) I release stress through music and relax – I don’t know what I would do without a piano – music is such a different sort of expression than anything else – it is beautiful
c) In the future I hope to be involved in musical ministry of some sort – whether it is leading worship within a church, writing, playing or performing songs or teaching this amazing gift to others

Anyone else interested? Send me a note or leave a comment. Here are the rules:1. Leave me a comment saying "interview me." The first five commentators will be the participants.2. I will respond by asking you five questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

~a whole new world~

2005-03-17T04:13:00.000-05:00

You could say I was thrown into the lion’s den - labour day, 2002 – as I stepped foot on Redeemer’s campus for the first time and began the mind-boggling journey that has taken me to this moment. My background consisted of Mennonite Brethren roots, Baptist private school until Grade 4, an Alliance church family for 5 years and then a Brethren in Christ church family for 8 years - combined also with a Pentecostal-like influence during the several summers at camp. As well as long-term interactions with Baptist and United Brethren in Christ youth groups.

This varied mix of traditions that I experienced during high-school, combined with the fact that I was in a predominantly non-Christian environment, forced me to really make my faith my own. To delve deep into what and why I believed and lived as I did. An intense hunger to know God intimately consumed my young, naïve, childlike heart - causing me to grasp at any and every opportunity that presented itself as one that would draw me closer to God. Camps, revival meetings, retreats – these were my oases in the dry desert times of my rollercoaster relationship with God. My constant prayer became “Lord, fill my heart with an undying passion for You.” Being emotionally inclined at my very core, I dove towards experiences of God – equating being passionate for God with people who sang and shouted and lifted hands and sobbed and laughed and spoke in tongues at intense worship services.

At the same time, however - being intellectually/analytically inclined at my core as well – I read books, took notes on sermons, studied my Bible religiously, asked my youth leaders questions they couldn’t answer and struggled to determine what it truly meant to be passionate for God. Step by step God continued to reveal things to me – which I recorded in my prayer journals and tried to apply to my life. I became motivated to share my building passion with others – and get them excited about getting to know God better and better. I began leading different activites, bible studies and worship times through my church – focussing on encouraging teens from different youth groups and schools in the area to seek to know God intimately. With a Christian group of friends to build relationships with, I began to withdraw from my ‘secular scene’ and non-Christian friends and threw myself headlong into any church-related event. I immersed myself in Christian music only, Christian books only and Christian friends only. I also began to volunteer at my church summer camp for entire summers – saturating myself in an environment that gave me opportunities to experience God’s manifest presence.

Then I came to Redeemer. Right on the tail end of an incredible summer of hearing and obeying God’s voice and experiencing the results of that obedience in sensing God’s love and intimacy like never before. Full of passion and excited at the opportunity to be in a Christian atmosphere 24/7, I marveled at the way professors integrated a Christian perspective into the classes – from devotions to prayers to even applying Christianity to what we were learning! I looked forward to dorm devotions, chapel and church-in-the-box. I excitedly took my roommate aside on the first day and shared with her how I had been praying for God to bless our relationship and also discussed the possibilities with another dormmate of reading through a book of the Bible together and helping each other apply it to our lives.

Then I began to notice something strange. Something I had not expected. My roommate acted almost indifferent when I told her of my passionate prayers for our relationship before I even knew her. My dormmate seemed disinterested in intensely studying Galatians after the first chapter. Dorm devotions seemed devoid of others sharing how God was actively speaking into and working through their lives. Instead, most times, we just read a Bible passage and prayed rather formally to a seemingly impersonal God. Chapels and church-in-the-boxes were great though. I thoroughly enjoyed this opportunity to lift my hands and voice to my Best Friend, the Creator of the Universe – until, of course, I started getting questioned about why I raised my hands which led to discussions about whether you should even raise your hands in praise to our God when it distracted others who were trying to worship.

Then came the doctrines. Predestination? Infant baptism? Speaking in tongues only happened in the New Testament? Then the rules. Shopping? Eating out? Op Zondag? Then the allowances! Drinking is okay? Smoking is okay? Swearing is okay? I quickly became disillusioned with Redeemer and the fact that they called themselves a Christian University. I was appalled at the lack of passionate, hungry, searching personal relationships with Jesus Christ in the majority of lives I came into contact with. I made it my mission to pray for and impact as many people as I could by sharing what God was doing in my own life. At the same time I got involved in heated debates about doctrinal issues that I did not know much about since I had never had the advantage of catechism or biblical doctrine class. However, I still held staunchly to my own interpretation of God’s word as I continued to read, study and believe it. I became convinced that those associated with the reformed tradition were merely head Christians – people who talked and analyzed yet had never truly experienced God’s intimate, personal presence in their lives.

As the months flew by, I eventually formed close friendships with those who came from a reformed perspective and started attending their churches. And there I found that God actually blessed and worked in Christian Reformed churches! I met and grew close to people who were passionate about their faith and reformed at the same time! My negative impressions, which had been cemented in my heart by those who loftily claimed they knew 100% of the truth while telling me I was obviously and thoroughly in the wrong, slowly began to fade as I entered my second and third years. Concepts penetrated my thinking, reshaping my ‘worldview’ – a new term I noticed was used a LOT. I learned about dualisms and the need for the Lordship of Christ in every area of our lives – that our Christianity must shape every aspect. I learned about the concept of a dichotomy – another new word – and about discerning what the creational good is in every part of God’s creation (even alcohol!). I learned about the importance of community. I learned about the holistic view of salvation. I learned about the covenant – and found reasons why I did not need to feel guilty about not having a specific conversion date to point to in my life. I learned and learned and learned – some things that I already knew in different, less eloquent terms, but much that I had never been exposed to before.

Then came the emphasis on grace. The last non-reformed stronghold in my heart was my abhorrance of the doctrine of predestination. How horrible. How ridiculous. How unloving. But the argument of man’s complete lack of any smidgen of good in him stood strong. I listened, I questioned, I argued, I thought, I researched, I studied, I prayed. Then one day it too clicked and I recognized my complete inability to ever be able to choose God on my own, in my complete sinfulness. I recognized the Holy Spirit’s power in my life – His leading, empowerment and transformation. And I became overcome with the conviction that we as Christians have such an utter responsibility to pray for the Holy Spirit to work in the lives of those who have not experienced Christ’s saving power! This new approach, instead of merely seeing it as being privileged and elect, was the last step needed to open my mind and heart to a whole new world.

What had begun as a clash moved to tolerance, which gave way to acceptance. Interested and intrigued, I, in typical Jenn fashion (as evident in the events depicted throughout this ridiculously long post), threw myself into questioning, listening, discussing and analyzing. I recently began regularly attending a Christian Reformed church and going to Kuyper’s Café neocalvinist meetings. Needless to say, this acceptance is not so subtlely speeding me towards embracing the reformed tradition and I find my pride shattered and myself sheepishly taking back the half-joking slurs to the reformed tradition that I have shamelessly proclaimed.

This major shift in my thinking, my perspective, my ‘worldview’ is affecting the entirety of my existence and I find myself in a place that my first year self would not have recognized - would have down-right disapproved of! Now, in frustration and confusion I ask myself: have I lost my passion? Or just refined it? I struggle daily to find the balance between a holistic approach and my once-vital-now-waning intimate connection with my Best Friend. The balance between predestination and the power of prayer. The balance between experience and intellect. Oh balance – I have yet to settle in comfortably and in a way I hope I never do. Feeling this tension, this struggle, this wrestling match that is like no other, shows me that I am not apathetic or passionless. Rather, it points to a searching heart – hungering for truth. My journey is not nearly finished yet. Amid discouragement and many unanswered questions I am brought to the realization that God, beyond a shadow of a doubt, has specifically brought me to this place by His grace, His love and His will. He is obviously working. He knows best. In this balancing act between experience and intellect comes the command to trust. To trust and not lean on my own understanding of my experiences or of my intellect. To trust Him – Who has brought me thus far – to lead me on.

Here I Am

2005-03-16T15:25:00.000-05:00

here I am
weak, selfish, naïve. unjust. unrighteous.
here I am
striving to bring you sacrifices and worship that is pleasing
failing utterly as I live in the idolatry of this culture
neglecting those who are in need
hungry, thirsty, in prison, naked, sick, alone
even as I try to make a difference in some small way
still my motives are tainted
still I hope my ‘good deeds’ are seen by others
still I focus on myself
here I am
utterly broken
utterly shameful
utterly useless
you would not be pleased with sacrifices or I would bring them
if I brought you many offerings you would not accept them
the sacrifice you want is a broken spirit
a broken and repentant heart you promise not to despise
so here I am
what do I do now?
you demand compassion
love for you, love for others
every day, every moment you throw opportunities in my path
here I am
teach me to recognize
teach me to do more than recognize
teach me to reach out
to actively seek out ways to serve you, to love you
to bring glory and honour to your holy name
but here I am
desiring a spirit of willingness
but my body is so weak
I cannot
my own effort?
my own ability?
my own understanding?
I cannot
yet here I am
you have placed me here, here on this stage, here at redeemer
you knit me together and you uphold me every moment
every hair, every blood cell
who I am and who I long to be
dreams & desires, hopes & plans
here I am
here is my broken and repentant heart
here is my life
here, take it, use it
transform me day by day - by your grace, your glory
so that I become a contagious example in word, in deed, in life
I, by your grace, a living sacrifice
here I am
in this moment I commit to make the most of every opportunity
to give my utmost for your highest
the 30 hour famine?
one more activity
one more opportunity in a long, varied line-up of ‘good causes’
show me how you can use me in this activity
in prayer
for the places in which world vision works
for you to reveal yourself
through the money given and work done in your name
in fasting
demonstrating my resolve to make a difference
laying aside my everyday routine for 30 hours
as a symbol, as a sacrifice
in asking
moving people I know to search their hearts
stirring them to ask how they can live as you have intended
providing them with a way to express their love for you
your people, your creation
here I am
I cannot fathom the rippling effects you have designed
to come from each small decision
You say: unless I am faithful in small matters
I won’t be faithful in large ones
I need your grace to be faithful
I offer all I am to your plan, your purpose, your will
here I am

As I wait...

2005-01-18T01:39:00.000-05:00

A prayer journal entry of mine reads:

dear God. all I can think of right now is the question why. why did you choose to take away this relationship? didn't we choose to put You first? didn't we strive for purity? didn't we take it slow? didn't we stick to group activities? didn't we stay away from being exclusive? didn't we strive to do what was right and honour You completely and live to fully glorify You? didn't we thank You? what did we do wrong? nothing could have been more special. I'm not saying it was perfect - we both had a lot to learn and mistakes to make but we were learning and trying and praying and hoping and liking and living...what tripped it up?? I guess it just comes down to the fact that I am at such a loss of understanding and I cannot to save my life figure this one out. ok. I'm lost, God. And I have a million questions. I want to know WHY and I know the answer - TRUST YOU and I do. but I hurt. what could orchestrate this event of his not wanting me anymore - wanting instead to be rid of me. i hurt. so much. more than anything. help me out. guide him. guide me. Your will be done in Jesus' name, amen.

This is the background from which I come at the often discussed - and loathed - issue of waiting on the one who will come along, sweep you off your feet, and whisk you away to a beautiful happily ever after palace of dreams, loving you forever no matter what. Questions and hurt and frustrations. The waiting process is analyzed by almost everyone and anyone you ask has their own theory of the perfect way to 'find what you want' while you're "waiting". So, I have decided to add my own personal input and suggest the most important steps to "waiting" - which may not actually be waiting after all...

Plant. Learn to be yourself. Don't change just because the person you like prefers blonde hair to brown. As I wait, I realize more every day that I need to have confidence in being fully myself, exactly the way God created (planted) me as - with my quirks and oddities and annoying little habits. Because (1) God created me specifically for a purpose that can only be fulfilled when I am me. Because who I am fits that purpose uniquely and as no other person on this earth can. Because God created me with a plan in mind and a little piece of His big overall purpose to fulfill. And (2) I believe that He has created me for someone who He has created to fit me exactly - like puzzle pieces, strengths filling in for the other's weaknesses, complimenting perfectly - someone who will love and appreciate and even (shock!) find my oddities attractive or appealing.
Grow. Even as we are supposed to embrace confidently who God created us to be, we are still all tainted with sin and need to mature and grow and learn as Christians. Become who God is creating you to be and allow Him to build character through tough situations. (James 1:2-4) I know that I need to focus on becoming the woman of God that the kind of man of God that I desire would desire and need. I don't want him sitting out there lazily just waiting for me to come along - I want him to be learning and growing and seeking to know God more intimately and passionately each day, therefore so should I. Also, marriage obviously isn't and shouldn't be the end all in life - but instead another growth step along life's course that edifies our personal relationship with the Lord - especially by expressing and reflecting His love here on earth. We are always in a constant state of growing.
Bear fruit. We are planted & watered in order to bear fruit in our lives for the kingdom of God. A life that exhibits fruit is a life that is rooted in Christ. Fruit is the evidence that we have a vital, growing relationship with God and as I "wait" I know that I should strive to embody the fruits of the Spirit in my life. I believe this is expressed in servanthood. As I try to learn more each day about the fathomless depths of what it means to serve - and therefore truly love - others, I begin to be wholly honest with others about who I am (planting), character is built as I learn endurance in what it means to serve humbly (growing), and the fruit of the Spirit are more and more clearly demonstrated as I learn to serve lovingly, joyfully, peacefully, patiently, kindly, with goodness, faithfully, gently and with self control (bearing fruit).

So, in essence, we are not waiting, but living! Right now at this moment in time God has given me the amazing gift of singleness - the freedom to follow Him unhindered and completely. But then, God may choose to take away this gift and replace it with my heart's desire of a love that lasts a lifetime and takes my breath away. One is not any better than the other. The point is not in being single or married but in living life as an offering of worship to God "whatever the circumstances." Waiting for that precious expression of God's love to come in to my life is good, but if my life was one big waiting room I am afraid I would miss out on all God wants to do in and through me. I would fall short of His glorious purposes and would be sorely disappointed when, finally achieving "wedded-bliss," I would discover that I had merely married another human being who wasn't the perfect fulfillment of an end goal. And that I still had the rest of my life to live. This brings an interesting twist to the words of this worship song:

As I wait, You make me strong. As I long, draw me to Your arms. As I stand and sing Your praise, won't You come, won't You come and fill this place...

"I am who I AM"

2005-01-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been rather frustrated - pleading with God to speak to me and teach me things and do this and do that etcetera and not feeling any sort of 'reciprocation' from God. This has made me feel disappointed and almost as if I were not 'special enough' to hear from God or experience His closeness. However, He brought up an interesting point through my devotions this morning in "My Utmost for His Highest" (entry of Jan 2, printed below) and it made me feel ashamed of my self-centredness. It has made me realize anew that I need only to focus on WHO GOD IS in every situation, every moment and that fact alone will impact my life, change me, bear fruit in my life - as He reveals Himself to me I will be "transformed by His glory" into something that is progressively more and more like Him. It's like I have been asking God to show me everything - His plans for my life, what I should do - but He has not responded and this is because that is not necessary or even right. I believe that He has responded with "I am who I AM - seek out My character, My heart, and you will be transformed by My power, My glory, My grace." This is sort of like when Moses asked God for a name to tell the Israelites (although he did just ask God who He was, it was the motive behind it that did not want to KNOW who God IS, but was worrying and wondering and not having FAITH), God simply responded "I am who I AM" and that is meant to be more than enough.

January 2
Will You Go Out Without Knowing?
He went out, not knowing where he was going —Hebrews 11:8
Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don’t know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don’t know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. ". . . do not worry about your life . . . nor about the body . . ." ( Luke 12:22 ). In other words, don’t worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do—He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?
Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.

Adore

2004-12-10T18:59:00.000-05:00

A song I wrote today. In A minor.

In quiet I whisper Your name
The burden in my soul is more than known by You
Desire created and placed
With care and purpose to guide my life’s design
I catch glimpses now and again
Matching dreams in my heart
I adore You

I’m not able to convince
You alone can move their hearts closer to You
I catch glimpses now and again
Matching dreams in my heart
You adore them

In love, unrequited, unnamed
Would You whisper my name into his heart
I catch glimpses now and again
Matching dreams in my heart
I adore him

A time appointed for all this
I wait, I trust, I long for more and more of You
I catch glimpses now and again
Matching dreams in my heart
You adore me

our own understanding...

2004-12-08T16:23:00.000-05:00

I am continually challenged by this strange paradox of the Christian life. We are not meant to remain babies in the faith - the Bible makes it clear that we are meant to mature and learn and develop as we continue to grow closer to God, such as in Hebrews 5:12-14:

“You have been Christians a long time now, and you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things a beginner must learn about the Scriptures. You are like babies who drink only milk and cannot eat solid food. And a person who is living on milk isn’t very far along in the Christian life and doesn’t know much about doing what is right. Solid food is for those who are mature, who have trained themselves to recognize the difference between right and wrong and then do what is right.”

However, I find that as we mature in the Christian life, we also begin to depend more and more on our own understanding. We begin to think that we have 'mastered' certain aspects of understanding. No one would phrase it quite like this, but it almost seems like we believe that we have figured out God's "pattern" in certain areas - that we know what, when and why He does things and that's as simple as that. Of course, this is because we are cultured to be rational and logical. To 'make sense' of things - with the underlying expectation that everything has a logical answer with non-refutable, set in stone, concrete evidence. This, I believe can be such a detriment to our personal relationship with God. Philippians 3:10 says:

“For my determined purpose is that I may know Him – that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly. And that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection.”

I believe that as we strive for this goal stated in this passage, we slowly come more and more to the realization that we are not able to comprehend the whys. We need to remind ourselves again and again that it is not about knowing about God and His Word, but about knowing Him. The longing to learn more about Him and His Word comes from knowing Him intimately first. Also, the more that we mature in our Christian walk, the better we become at having the childlike faith Jesus calls us to have in Mark 10:14:

"Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you, anyone who doesn't have their kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom of God."

Is the true mark of maturity, then, the ability to simply say that we don't know, yet we trust? This obviously doesn't mean that we stop trying to gain more knowledge about God and striving to mature and understand, but, on the other hand, we are called to step out in faith.

"You can't walk on water if you don't step out of the boat."
"You don't have to wait for all the answers before you step out in faith."

These statements and more are so very true, but seem to throw knowledge and understanding out the window. To blindly trust? What a challenge. And what an even bigger challenge when we are called to blindy trust even when God is continually enlightening us with understanding, to have faith like a child when we are no longer babies. When God's standard of wisdom is to be foolish and crazy - clearly shown in the model Jesus lived out for us. I believe that God grants us more and more true understanding as we learn to trust Him above all and not depend on our own understanding. Proverbs 3:5-13 puts both these concepts together and continues to challenge me constantly in a refreshing way:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding...don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead fear the Lord and turn your back on evil...Happy is the person who finds wisdom and gains understanding."

It's not our own understanding and wisdom, it is found and gained as we live by faith.

It is only when we trust blindy that we are given sight.