I'm good, how are you?

"Good morning, Redeemer University College." I repeat that phrase hundreds of times throughout the day. Occasionally, the caller won't cut me off brusquely with their desired extension and the conversation will actually resemble the following format:

"Good morning, how are you?" A pleasant voice queries on the other end of the line.

"Good, how are you?" Comes my automatic response, having ears only for the extension that comes next.

But I am not "good." Not by any such stretch of the imagination. I was "good" a couple of days ago when I posted about how blessed I am. That was then. Now as I watch the torrential downpour just outside my office window, I feel that it echoes the weather of my heart. So does the haunting music of Evanescence. I want to retreat. I want to run away. Or at least lock myself alone in a room and curl up into a little ball and soak my thoughts in the permeating melancholy of Sarah McLachlan and Chantal Kreviazuk and release body-wracking sobs of unintelligible prayers - allowing them to seep heart-wrenchingly from my veins - reaching, aching, yearning for my Daddy to wrap me in His loving embrace. But I can't do that. I have a roommate. And a job. And a boyfriend. And more friends than I can keep caught up with or feel connected to. And a family. And grocery shopping and volunteering with Salvation Army and the list goes on. There are things to do, people to see, smiles to paste on, laughs to force, tears to dry, duties to fulfill - no time to dust off the shelves of my heart and dig down into the little crevices and seek healing for the wounds that are bottled up and buried there. "Whom shall I fear?" I fear a lot of things. It is a controlling fear - a ship-wrecking fear. I fear disclosing who I really am because it is bound to get rejected.

Oh, I'm sure this is just a mood swing - don't worry, soon I'll be back in a position where I can continue to post the "uplifting" stuff Amyanners thinks is my usual style. But it is not. Not really. Not if I am Honest and Real and Genuine. (PS - I love Amyann a lot.)

But no one needs to see this. More so, no one ever wants to see this. The dark side should always remain hidden, correct? Muffled, snuffed out, rejected, forgotten, smothered. We hate messes - so we shove them under the carpet instead of cleaning them up properly. We hate to see people falling apart because it reminds us that we too are falling apart. Well I will be honest. I feel like I am falling apart. Fraying at the seams. I have no logical reasons. I can't explain to others what I cannot understand myself. But it cannot be denied. But who ever wants to listen to this? Read this? It's scary. Not fun. We are supposed to be as positive and happy and bouncy as possible. Yay life is soooooooooo fun and I am soooooooooo happy and there is never a dull moment, nevermind a depressed moment. HELLO???

Thoughts run thrugh my head like a radio tuned into 25 different stations at once.

I'm in a tangled web - out at sea with waves and breakers crashing over my head
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Without the mask where will I hide
I can't find myself lost in my lies
Help me Believe
'Cause I don't wanna miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes for once
And I would shed this grown-up skin I'm in to touch an angel's wing
And I would be Free
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The gardens of imaginary life
But You called me Beautiful when You saw my shame
Gasping for breath
Rasping for breath
Grasping for Breath
I asked for matches and I received a gallon full of gasoline
Our God is a Consuming Fire Heb 12:29
Arise
Come
My Darling
My Beautiful One
Come with Me Song of Songs 2:13
My heart has heard You say, "Come and talk with me"
And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming." Ps 27:8
You don't have to figure everything out for it to happen in your life
If you wait for the perfect conditions, you will never get anything done Ecc 11:4

Something is brewing. Deep in the darkest parts, something big is billowing closer. I've felt this past year build, escalate to this point. There is much more escalation to come before it is over.

Over the past year I have drifted embarrassingly far from Jesus - and recently ran back full force even closer into His faithful loving arms. But with that comes awareness and struggle and a WAR. The closer we desire to be to Jesus, the less complacent we become, the more we play offensively. That pisses Satan off and he attacks more. Happy go-lucky ineffective "good Christian people" aren't bothered by him because they aren't taking the offense. They actually don't even need to be on the defense because they aren't causing a ruckus. They can't relate to a life of struggle and battle. But the more you try to really become a living sacrifice - a shining reflection of Christ, the more you get shot at - we are pressed but not crushed...(2 Cor 4:7-10) - but then you must depend more on Jesus Christ for supernatural strength. We aren't meant to be happy and content. We are meant to be STRONG in the JOY of the LORD (Neh 8:10). Why would we need that kind of supernatural strength if not for a raging intense battle? Why would we need to be more than conquerors (Rom 8:37) if not to conquer victoriously in a WAR? Sound the battle cry. Renounce Satan's lies and doubts and fears and worries planted deeply in our minds and hearts. Replace that empty space with God's TRUTH and God's LOVE and God's POWER - standing strong in the mighty armour of God (Eph 6:10-18).

I don't trust myself. Because I am not capable on my own. And it is taking every ounce of energy in the entirety of my being to trust Christ one moment at a time (Prov 3:5,6).

I'm good thanks, how are you?