As I wait...

A prayer journal entry of mine reads:

dear God. all I can think of right now is the question why. why did you choose to take away this relationship? didn't we choose to put You first? didn't we strive for purity? didn't we take it slow? didn't we stick to group activities? didn't we stay away from being exclusive? didn't we strive to do what was right and honour You completely and live to fully glorify You? didn't we thank You? what did we do wrong? nothing could have been more special. I'm not saying it was perfect - we both had a lot to learn and mistakes to make but we were learning and trying and praying and hoping and liking and living...what tripped it up?? I guess it just comes down to the fact that I am at such a loss of understanding and I cannot to save my life figure this one out. ok. I'm lost, God. And I have a million questions. I want to know WHY and I know the answer - TRUST YOU and I do. but I hurt. what could orchestrate this event of his not wanting me anymore - wanting instead to be rid of me. i hurt. so much. more than anything. help me out. guide him. guide me. Your will be done in Jesus' name, amen.

This is the background from which I come at the often discussed - and loathed - issue of waiting on the one who will come along, sweep you off your feet, and whisk you away to a beautiful happily ever after palace of dreams, loving you forever no matter what. Questions and hurt and frustrations. The waiting process is analyzed by almost everyone and anyone you ask has their own theory of the perfect way to 'find what you want' while you're "waiting". So, I have decided to add my own personal input and suggest the most important steps to "waiting" - which may not actually be waiting after all...

1. Plant. Learn to be yourself. Don't change just because the person you like prefers blonde hair to brown. As I wait, I realize more every day that I need to have confidence in being fully myself, exactly the way God created (planted) me as - with my quirks and oddities and annoying little habits. Because (1) God created me specifically for a purpose that can only be fulfilled when I am me. Because who I am fits that purpose uniquely and as no other person on this earth can. Because God created me with a plan in mind and a little piece of His big overall purpose to fulfill. And (2) I believe that He has created me for someone who He has created to fit me exactly - like puzzle pieces, strengths filling in for the other's weaknesses, complimenting perfectly - someone who will love and appreciate and even (shock!) find my oddities attractive or appealing.
2. Grow. Even as we are supposed to embrace confidently who God created us to be, we are still all tainted with sin and need to mature and grow and learn as Christians. Become who God is creating you to be and allow Him to build character through tough situations. (James 1:2-4) I know that I need to focus on becoming the woman of God that the kind of man of God that I desire would desire and need. I don't want him sitting out there lazily just waiting for me to come along - I want him to be learning and growing and seeking to know God more intimately and passionately each day, therefore so should I. Also, marriage obviously isn't and shouldn't be the end all in life - but instead another growth step along life's course that edifies our personal relationship with the Lord - especially by expressing and reflecting His love here on earth. We are always in a constant state of growing.
3. Bear fruit. We are planted & watered in order to bear fruit in our lives for the kingdom of God. A life that exhibits fruit is a life that is rooted in Christ. Fruit is the evidence that we have a vital, growing relationship with God and as I "wait" I know that I should strive to embody the fruits of the Spirit in my life. I believe this is expressed in servanthood. As I try to learn more each day about the fathomless depths of what it means to serve - and therefore truly love - others, I begin to be wholly honest with others about who I am (planting), character is built as I learn endurance in what it means to serve humbly (growing), and the fruit of the Spirit are more and more clearly demonstrated as I learn to serve lovingly, joyfully, peacefully, patiently, kindly, with goodness, faithfully, gently and with self control (bearing fruit).

So, in essence, we are not waiting, but living! Right now at this moment in time God has given me the amazing gift of singleness - the freedom to follow Him unhindered and completely. But then, God may choose to take away this gift and replace it with my heart's desire of a love that lasts a lifetime and takes my breath away. One is not any better than the other. The point is not in being single or married but in living life as an offering of worship to God "whatever the circumstances." Waiting for that precious expression of God's love to come in to my life is good, but if my life was one big waiting room I am afraid I would miss out on all God wants to do in and through me. I would fall short of His glorious purposes and would be sorely disappointed when, finally achieving "wedded-bliss," I would discover that I had merely married another human being who wasn't the perfect fulfillment of an end goal. And that I still had the rest of my life to live. This brings an interesting twist to the words of this worship song:

As I wait, You make me strong. As I long, draw me to Your arms. As I stand and sing Your praise, won't You come, won't You come and fill this place...

"I am who I AM"

Lately I have been rather frustrated - pleading with God to speak to me and teach me things and do this and do that etcetera and not feeling any sort of 'reciprocation' from God. This has made me feel disappointed and almost as if I were not 'special enough' to hear from God or experience His closeness. However, He brought up an interesting point through my devotions this morning in "My Utmost for His Highest" (entry of Jan 2, printed below) and it made me feel ashamed of my self-centredness. It has made me realize anew that I need only to focus on WHO GOD IS in every situation, every moment and that fact alone will impact my life, change me, bear fruit in my life - as He reveals Himself to me I will be "transformed by His glory" into something that is progressively more and more like Him. It's like I have been asking God to show me everything - His plans for my life, what I should do - but He has not responded and this is because that is not necessary or even right. I believe that He has responded with "I am who I AM - seek out My character, My heart, and you will be transformed by My power, My glory, My grace." This is sort of like when Moses asked God for a name to tell the Israelites (although he did just ask God who He was, it was the motive behind it that did not want to KNOW who God IS, but was worrying and wondering and not having FAITH), God simply responded "I am who I AM" and that is meant to be more than enough.

January 2
Will You Go Out Without Knowing?
He went out, not knowing where he was going —Hebrews 11:8

Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What do you expect to do?" You don’t know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don’t know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. ". . . do not worry about your life . . . nor about the body . . ." ( Luke 12:22 ). In other words, don’t worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do—He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?

Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continual willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus. You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God.