~a whole new world~

You could say I was thrown into the lion’s den - labour day, 2002 – as I stepped foot on Redeemer’s campus for the first time and began the mind-boggling journey that has taken me to this moment. My background consisted of Mennonite Brethren roots, Baptist private school until Grade 4, an Alliance church family for 5 years and then a Brethren in Christ church family for 8 years - combined also with a Pentecostal-like influence during the several summers at camp. As well as long-term interactions with Baptist and United Brethren in Christ youth groups.

This varied mix of traditions that I experienced during high-school, combined with the fact that I was in a predominantly non-Christian environment, forced me to really make my faith my own. To delve deep into what and why I believed and lived as I did. An intense hunger to know God intimately consumed my young, naïve, childlike heart - causing me to grasp at any and every opportunity that presented itself as one that would draw me closer to God. Camps, revival meetings, retreats – these were my oases in the dry desert times of my rollercoaster relationship with God. My constant prayer became “Lord, fill my heart with an undying passion for You.” Being emotionally inclined at my very core, I dove towards experiences of God – equating being passionate for God with people who sang and shouted and lifted hands and sobbed and laughed and spoke in tongues at intense worship services.

At the same time, however - being intellectually/analytically inclined at my core as well – I read books, took notes on sermons, studied my Bible religiously, asked my youth leaders questions they couldn’t answer and struggled to determine what it truly meant to be passionate for God. Step by step God continued to reveal things to me – which I recorded in my prayer journals and tried to apply to my life. I became motivated to share my building passion with others – and get them excited about getting to know God better and better. I began leading different activites, bible studies and worship times through my church – focussing on encouraging teens from different youth groups and schools in the area to seek to know God intimately. With a Christian group of friends to build relationships with, I began to withdraw from my ‘secular scene’ and non-Christian friends and threw myself headlong into any church-related event. I immersed myself in Christian music only, Christian books only and Christian friends only. I also began to volunteer at my church summer camp for entire summers – saturating myself in an environment that gave me opportunities to experience God’s manifest presence.

Then I came to Redeemer. Right on the tail end of an incredible summer of hearing and obeying God’s voice and experiencing the results of that obedience in sensing God’s love and intimacy like never before. Full of passion and excited at the opportunity to be in a Christian atmosphere 24/7, I marveled at the way professors integrated a Christian perspective into the classes – from devotions to prayers to even applying Christianity to what we were learning! I looked forward to dorm devotions, chapel and church-in-the-box. I excitedly took my roommate aside on the first day and shared with her how I had been praying for God to bless our relationship and also discussed the possibilities with another dormmate of reading through a book of the Bible together and helping each other apply it to our lives.

Then I began to notice something strange. Something I had not expected. My roommate acted almost indifferent when I told her of my passionate prayers for our relationship before I even knew her. My dormmate seemed disinterested in intensely studying Galatians after the first chapter. Dorm devotions seemed devoid of others sharing how God was actively speaking into and working through their lives. Instead, most times, we just read a Bible passage and prayed rather formally to a seemingly impersonal God. Chapels and church-in-the-boxes were great though. I thoroughly enjoyed this opportunity to lift my hands and voice to my Best Friend, the Creator of the Universe – until, of course, I started getting questioned about why I raised my hands which led to discussions about whether you should even raise your hands in praise to our God when it distracted others who were trying to worship.

Then came the doctrines. Predestination? Infant baptism? Speaking in tongues only happened in the New Testament? Then the rules. Shopping? Eating out? Op Zondag? Then the allowances! Drinking is okay? Smoking is okay? Swearing is okay? I quickly became disillusioned with Redeemer and the fact that they called themselves a Christian University. I was appalled at the lack of passionate, hungry, searching personal relationships with Jesus Christ in the majority of lives I came into contact with. I made it my mission to pray for and impact as many people as I could by sharing what God was doing in my own life. At the same time I got involved in heated debates about doctrinal issues that I did not know much about since I had never had the advantage of catechism or biblical doctrine class. However, I still held staunchly to my own interpretation of God’s word as I continued to read, study and believe it. I became convinced that those associated with the reformed tradition were merely head Christians – people who talked and analyzed yet had never truly experienced God’s intimate, personal presence in their lives.

As the months flew by, I eventually formed close friendships with those who came from a reformed perspective and started attending their churches. And there I found that God actually blessed and worked in Christian Reformed churches! I met and grew close to people who were passionate about their faith and reformed at the same time! My negative impressions, which had been cemented in my heart by those who loftily claimed they knew 100% of the truth while telling me I was obviously and thoroughly in the wrong, slowly began to fade as I entered my second and third years. Concepts penetrated my thinking, reshaping my ‘worldview’ – a new term I noticed was used a LOT. I learned about dualisms and the need for the Lordship of Christ in every area of our lives – that our Christianity must shape every aspect. I learned about the concept of a dichotomy – another new word – and about discerning what the creational good is in every part of God’s creation (even alcohol!). I learned about the importance of community. I learned about the holistic view of salvation. I learned about the covenant – and found reasons why I did not need to feel guilty about not having a specific conversion date to point to in my life. I learned and learned and learned – some things that I already knew in different, less eloquent terms, but much that I had never been exposed to before.

Then came the emphasis on grace. The last non-reformed stronghold in my heart was my abhorrance of the doctrine of predestination. How horrible. How ridiculous. How unloving. But the argument of man’s complete lack of any smidgen of good in him stood strong. I listened, I questioned, I argued, I thought, I researched, I studied, I prayed. Then one day it too clicked and I recognized my complete inability to ever be able to choose God on my own, in my complete sinfulness. I recognized the Holy Spirit’s power in my life – His leading, empowerment and transformation. And I became overcome with the conviction that we as Christians have such an utter responsibility to pray for the Holy Spirit to work in the lives of those who have not experienced Christ’s saving power! This new approach, instead of merely seeing it as being privileged and elect, was the last step needed to open my mind and heart to a whole new world.

What had begun as a clash moved to tolerance, which gave way to acceptance. Interested and intrigued, I, in typical Jenn fashion (as evident in the events depicted throughout this ridiculously long post), threw myself into questioning, listening, discussing and analyzing. I recently began regularly attending a Christian Reformed church and going to Kuyper’s Café neocalvinist meetings. Needless to say, this acceptance is not so subtlely speeding me towards embracing the reformed tradition and I find my pride shattered and myself sheepishly taking back the half-joking slurs to the reformed tradition that I have shamelessly proclaimed.

This major shift in my thinking, my perspective, my ‘worldview’ is affecting the entirety of my existence and I find myself in a place that my first year self would not have recognized - would have down-right disapproved of! Now, in frustration and confusion I ask myself: have I lost my passion? Or just refined it? I struggle daily to find the balance between a holistic approach and my once-vital-now-waning intimate connection with my Best Friend. The balance between predestination and the power of prayer. The balance between experience and intellect. Oh balance – I have yet to settle in comfortably and in a way I hope I never do. Feeling this tension, this struggle, this wrestling match that is like no other, shows me that I am not apathetic or passionless. Rather, it points to a searching heart – hungering for truth. My journey is not nearly finished yet. Amid discouragement and many unanswered questions I am brought to the realization that God, beyond a shadow of a doubt, has specifically brought me to this place by His grace, His love and His will. He is obviously working. He knows best. In this balancing act between experience and intellect comes the command to trust. To trust and not lean on my own understanding of my experiences or of my intellect. To trust Him – Who has brought me thus far – to lead me on.