A sharp, quick intake of the chilled air, raggedly pushing out the breath almost immediately in order to make room for another one.
Faster, I told myself,
you MUST run faster. I was running through an unknown woods - the trees closing their leafy arms about me, giving me the hidden sanctuary I sought. What I was running from is irrelevant - what is important is that it had caused me shame. Shame and fear. I did not know myself anymore - nor did I know what to do with the me I found myself facing. I was doing the only thing I thought possible, running away to where no one - not even God - could find me.
Many years ago, two other people ran and hid. They ran and hid and tried to cover themselves by their own effort. Their reaction was recognition, shame, fear and hiding. But their hiding place was translucent and their coverings, inadequate.
At that moment, their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they strung fig leaves together around their hips to cover themselves. Toward evening they heard the LORD God walking about in the garden, so they hid themselves among the trees. The LORD God called to Adam, "Where are you?" He replied, "I heard you, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked."
Sometime between then and now, a king commented on the futility of even trying to hide from God:
I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night - but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you.
But still I ran. Knowing the futility of my actions, yet unable to stop this seemingly innate reaction to the shame that came with the knowledge of my inevitable and continual failings.
The path curved to the right and began ascending before me. As I approached the top of the hill, the trees thinned out to reveal a sun-kissed grassy meadow with pale yellow and orange daylilies waving in the soft breeze. Exhausted and gasping for breath, I stumbled out into this haven of beauty.
Finally, I thought,
room to breathe.This brief sigh of relief did not last long, however, for out of the corner of my eye I spotted a movement. A very old man was sitting on a wooden park bench in the middle of this lush field - and he was staring straight at me. Apprehensively I drew nearer to the old man - there seemed nothing else that I could do. It seemed that he knew everything there was to know about me - more, even, than I knew there was to know.
Fearing a severe chastizing, I sat down beside this old man and looked into his eyes. And I was amazed. For there was no condemnation there - this very old man
emanated kindness. It permeated his entire being as well as the air around him. In fact - he
was kindness in its purest form.
It's fine - it's okay, he said, and in those words all my guilt was absolved. My shame was no more and my heart soared. In those words, the core of forgiveness was felt and the assurance of a Love that always has been and always will be washed over me. He spoke those words over and over again - and my senses drank in this peace that he offered - I heard it, I saw it, I touched it, I tasted it. Then he embraced me as I have never been embraced before - it held the promise of Grace and the unfailingness of Love.
He sent me back after that - back to face my fears, back to face my shame. He did not take it away - he did not allow me to escape my reality - yet he sent me back with a deep Peace in my soul. A Peace that came from a irreplaceable Trust. A Trust that was widened and strengthened by this encounter. Most of all, a sense of Freedom surrounded me - Freedom to live and learn - to go on making choices and decisions without a fear of failure looming over my head. A Freedom to FAIL. Because I knew that no matter what may happen, I was permanently etched on the palms of his hands. The extreme kindness that he embodied did not excuse my mistakes - it erased them completely.
I awoke with a start and pondered what the implications of this dream were. My thoughts dwelled on the phrase
, It's fine - it's okay, and I wondered what that really meant. Was my sin ok? Did I not have to worry about my mistakes? I am not meant to strive by my human ability to reach perfection - and my failings are removed forever by Grace - but what do I do with the knowledge that my sin does not affect the unmerited kindness that continually fills my senses?
A song by Chris Tomlin based on
Romans 2:4 filled my heart 2 days after the dream in answer to my confusion.
It's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance:Open up the skies of mercy and rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us - hear our cries, Lord, let them rise
And it's Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance
Your favour, Lord, is our desire
And it's Your beauty, Lord, that makes us stand in silence
And Your love, Your love is better than life
We can feel Your mercy falling - You are turning our hearts back again
Hear our praises rise to heaven - draw us near, Lord, meet us here
